If we communicated better would we have succeeded Imogen Cortis-Jones. That is a thought I consistently have. Two characters Katalina and Vira are quite popular. I’m now a Vira, a long time ago I thought I was a Katalina.

You abandoned me you know. That week I wish you had let me break alone. Instead of making me go out to yours. Your words throughout hurt. It made me understand that we were not sustainable. I should have never been with you in the first place. Yet, I hoped and wished that I had meant something to you. That we meant something. That what we had was real. The sweet nothing’s you would say were simply that, I bet you’ll say those things to every date. I took them too seriously, and when I said those things back, it meant the world. Only you, Imogen. It meant the universe.

It took another week for me to realise it wasn’t real. You always say that I was the one who left. But you know, my heart didn’t want to. When you messaged me about how you couldn’t do this anymore. It was a sign, the logical me could tell it would result in the same pain. Just the day before I had spoken about how I just wanted happiness with you. And the day after I realised it was a pipe dream. I am not victimising myself for the sake of it. No matter what I do it hurts. It’s not something anybody can fix. I’m broken.

Have you heard of the hedgehogs dilemma? Hedgehogs want to huddle up in the cold to be warm. But the closer they get the more they hurt eachother because of their spikes. I wanted us to be the closest. And I was afraid of being hurt. You reassured that you would protect and nourish me. Words I will never forget. Then you proceeded to hurt me to such a level that I couldn’t even imagine it at any point. Remediating this is impossible.

Changing my own operating model to a better state is such a impossible task. I’ve tried many times. Each time it feels as if there is a giant wall in front of me. Then in front of that is a boulder. And each time I try again it gets harder.

You are the main cause of this. The culmination of your actions and inactions. Whether you realise or admit it or not.