I’ve given up on life. I’ve stopped trying. I don’t shower or take care of myself. Dirty dishes and laundry pile up. The place is a mess and smells. I don’t check the mail or e-mail. I don’t answer the phone or the door. I’ve become agoraphobic. I sit in bed all day, isolating from the world. I’ve stopped paying the bills. I’ve let all my friends and family down by not being there for them. I’m like a barely living dead person. I feel guilt and self loathing. I tell myself what I should do: wash the dishes, do the laundry, pay the bills, get some exercise, call someone, etc. But I am petrified. I do no good: only bad unproductive things. I numb my brain with meaningless television and movies. I fantasize about being demeaned and raped. Sometimes I wonder if that’s what I need to snap back into the land of the living? To be beaten and raped?

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