Sometimes I think about doing heavy drugs.
I’m 18 and in college right now. A lot of Not Great(tm) things have happened in my life, so I go to the free therapy my college offers (and it’s like legit, like it’s off campus and the place I go to also takes in actual, paying patients. They just also take broke a** college kids who can’t afford it). But sometimes that doesn’t feel like enough. I try to stay positive and to feel better, but I feel out of it all the time. Even on my good days, I still feel the bad lurking in me and it’s frustrating.
I used to smoke weed, and part of me wants to start again. But I’m a little afraid I’ll want to go further. Like, I’ve been thinking a lot about taking pills or doing heroin and I’m not even 100% sure where I would find that kind of s***, but I know a few people who might be able to help me. I know drugs are bad (m’kay) but a part of me just? doesn’t care?? I feel like s*** all the time anyways and I honestly don’t see me living to 25-30. Another part of me knows this is only me wanting a break, to just feel some sort a relief from my depression and that I will feel the relief if I just keep going to therapy and keep trying to get better. But f*** man. Some days I just can’t get it out of my head.