I feel so done with everything and everyone around me! Forget about everyone I am tired of being me. I hate my existence and everything related to it.
Throughout my life people have been putting me down saying I am not smart enough or just not enough to do anything. So many times people have made me feel inferior and worthless that I feel like I am worthless now. Because how much ever I work and push myself to work I have always failed. I have failed over and over again in things that meant a lot to me. I constantly get an urge to hurt myself physically and well other people have already crushed me emotionally and mentally.
I cannot connect to anything or anyone anymore. I am far from having a sense of what my identity is. I am scared all the time about what or who might hurt me next. I cry myself to bed a lot and many times I don’t even know why I am crying. Yes I do have clinical depression and did try taking medication for it and I thought that would be it but these feelings never went away.
My life is a mess right now and there is not a single person I trust. I know there are people to help me with it but I hate pity and sympathetic replies and talks. It makes me feel more vulnerable and most of all I feel I am constantly putting a burden on them by crying for nothing or by just being stupid. So I refrain myself from talking to people. Also some people have just told me, “get over it”. Ya sure, that thought never crossed my mind. I have tried fitness, I have tried art, I have tried socializing more I have tried changing my thoughts into more positive ones. I have tried
People keep saying find what makes you happy! As if I haven’t tried that before. I don’t know what I like! I don’t know I want! I just don’t f****** know! A lot of times even when I try to explain something to someone I can never find the right words and ramble stupidity like I am doing right now but you know what it’s always these temporary moments that make permanent memories. Especially for me as people affect me a lot. I never want to hurt anyone so in this process I have hurt myself a lot. I don’t know if that makes sense.
I just feel messed up about everything. And to be very honest I have been feeling this for few years now. I had just suppressed these feelings but I cannot mask it anymore.
Thank you if you actually went through this entire confession. I just wanted to write this down somewhere other than a piece of paper that I always trash.
All Comments
At least it’s a random feeling and you don’t feel that way all of the time.
They did’t have a section for a feeling all the time. I feel this over and over again. Sometimes I write it down, sometimes I just lock myself in my room and sometimes like every depressed person does, just pretend that I am fine.
I feel as though this confession was written by myself. I was talking with my fiance about these exact same issues no more than ten minutes before I found this.
Keep trying. You may need to try several meds before one hits the target. There is real help. There is real hope. When you fall off a horse you have to get right back on. I’m a life long depressive and former rider.