My mother and my father are not abusive, but I just don’t think they’re doing their job right. I’ve never really told anyone, because I don’t want to be that whiny overemotional overreacting kid who’s entitled and thinks they deserve the best, but I’m really starting to hate my parents.
First off, they taunt me a lot. Sometimes it’s not that harmful, like they make fun of how disorganized I am. But I have really bad anxiety, and whenever I’m too nervous to do anything; to order food for myself at a restaurant, to go outside after dark, to get shots, they’ll always tell me how dumb it is. “You’re about to be 15, you’re not in first grade anymore. Stop crying.” It makes me feel bad for feeling scared, and that makes things worse.
On top of that, I’m not gonna be that r/iamverysmart person, but I was in AIG and I’ve just been a pretty bright student. I never came home with anything less than a very high B. But then when I got into middle school, I started suffering from- what I can only imagine was- early signs of depression, refusing to get out of bed, or eat, because I didn’t feel like there was a reason. I got defensive and emotional about a lot of things. School confused me. My grades began dropping, and my parents could see that. I came home and they would confront me about my grades and (my dad especially) would yell at me and tell me that if I didn’t clean my act up I’d never get into high school. I think that’s what makes me really anxious; sometimes I have to leave the classroom because I start panicking when I find out my grades are really low, and the train of thought basically goes “I’m gonna fail this class, all my classes, drop out of high school, get a s***** job cleaning toilets at McDonald’s, get fired, live in a box, and die at the ripe age of 26 from pneumonia”.
And another thing is, there’s definitely a power imbalance. Mom is allowed to throw temper tantrums about things that upset her. If I were ever to do that, I would be in so much trouble, so fast. And the reasons she gives for things are so dumb. “Because I said so” or “because I’m your mother” or “because I don’t like that”. I just want her, once, to say “I don’t want you to do this because of x y and z”. Im not trying to defy her judgement, I just want her to f****** explain why her judgement is what it is. Is that really too much to ask?
They’re supportive of my hobbies, my success and happiness, but I feel like they only want a child who’s successful. They want to forget that I get scared, or sad, or upset, or confused. I feel like they’re just trying to pack all the bad parts of who I am in a box, and it makes me feel really awful. I can’t trust them with my feelings. I can’t trust anyone in my family with how I feel. I’m too scared. I just want to tell them that what they’re doing is hurting me, but I don’t know how. I can’t wait until I’m 18 and I never have to look at them or talk to them again.