I’m nearly 25 years old and at least once a month or every other month, I have a dream about my 11th Grade Lit. teacher. Just like I did last night. Nothing like “that” ever happens in these dreams. From what I remember, he doesn’t talk in the dreams either except maybe once a few months back. I first met him my freshman year of high school in a poetry club. He and another lit. teacher of mine basically supervised it, but he also participated by playing his guitar…was it then? I hadn’t thought much of it then. However, when he became my teacher in my sophomore year, I developed a little crush on him. I skipped most of my classes for personal reasons (I couldn’t handle classroom settings. It gave me anxiety), but I would always attend his class. First day of class, he had a PowerPoint slide to introduce himself. Mentioned then as well that he played guitar. That made me smile. He wasn’t a push over teacher. I disliked teachers who were pushover. Instead, he was very straightforward and honest with you. He was tall and had his feet firmly on the ground in how he knew how to keep his students behaved and attentive. Some probably would say he didn’t look amazing or like “eye candy”, but to me he was handsome and ..dare I say.., s*** in his own way. He usually always wore a suit in school and if it’s warm, just his dress shirt and slacks. I was always happy to see him, but I did poorly in school (obviously, I skipped classes and refused to do homework) and when I didn’t do something write or could’ve gotten higher grades for something in that class, he would express disappointment. I hated to disappoint him. Though I generally dislike disappointment, seeing the expression on his face hurt my heart. Anyway, I attended his class throughout the year until the school year finally ended, never saying a word to him about anything not school related. During summer school, he was one of the teachers who supervised and assisted us. After summer, I decided to write a note to him asking his opinion on the presidential election and how he felt about that President winning the votes, because, well I was underage and didn’t know what else to ask him. I eventually came back to see if he responded to the note (don’t remember if he wrote back) but, he told me his opinion in the classroom. I saw something new on his hand. A ring. Over summer, he got married to a lucky person. I congratulated him on his marriage and left the classroom. I was rather devastated and of course never expressed it to anyone. I’m happy as long as he’s happy. Almost seven years have passed since I last physically saw him, and just when I can forget him, I have a dream where he appears. The place is always different and odd. But he is always there, smiling at me. Never really saying a word. I’m even happy in my dream when I see him. In the dreams we just stare at each from a distance, standing there. In the previous dream, we were closer and I confessed to him and he said something to me that I wanted to hear to confirm. Last night in my dream, we just stared at each other again from a distance. When I wake up from these dreams, I always have a feeling of longing. The lingering feeling lasts that whole day just about. At this time that I write this on my phone at 4AM, I miss him and feel the need to be next to him. It pains me to know that may never happen, that I’ll never say a word of this to anyone except for those few who find my anonymous confessions. Do I love him? I don’t know. I’m not really sure what love is. I just know what relationships are. Do I lust for him? It would be a lie to say I never have. Don’t get me wrong, he could certainly have me on his desk…but I’d be perfectly content just being in the same room as him. It’s been over 10 years since I met him after all. I only wish either that I could just STOP seeing him in my dreams or that I could see him and tell him. Neither of which seems possible. So here I am confessing to you about my feelings for a teacher who probably doesn’t even remember that I exist. *sigh* Is this beautiful or depressing? My human emotions. I wonder where we’ll be in my next dream with him.