I have made many acquaintances and few friends in my almost 30 years of life. I crave deeper relationships, not necessarily in a romantic sense. I love the way my mother’s school friends still write to her. I know of people who have someone (aside from a family member) who would drive to them if they were stranded somewhere at night or if they were living alone and had a medical emergency. I feel so drained sometimes. I give of myself and, it is wrong but I treat every interaction as though it might grow into something more significant. The giving is a blessing to me but I can’t help feeling hurt when I realise that the people I have opened my heart to are already part of a large network of friends and there is simply no room on their schedules to allow me into their inner circles. They can’t give back, they have been taken and I will only ever exist on the periphery. When a friendship has lasted, it is because I have taken the initiative to maintain it. When I stop, it collapses. Every now and then I need a rescuer, someone who can help me when I am too depressed to arrange a meeting or even make a call. I’m also trying to earn a living as a freelance artist and I simply can’t sell myself. I’ve been told I have talent but it is not enough without an extroverted, relentless personality. I am swiftly fading before I ever made a real impression. I must root out this self pity, maybe writing it out and releasing it into the sea of the Internet will bring me some peace. I am not alone in feeling alone so how do I become someone different, someone that people will make room for?
