I was born in a female body and I was taught to fall in love with boys only. Since I was 3, my parents noticed that unlike my older sister and other girls I always hang out with boys and have a better connection with them. I’m always interested in stuff that males are interested in. At first they thought it was just what I was interested in but after some time mom was seriously concerned. I would play in the streets for hours with the boys, I wanted my hair cut short. I had these sudden breakdowns. I cried for hours, complaining that I wanted to be a guy. Over the time as I grew a bit older, guys started to become more aware that I’m a girl and I “shouldn’t” hang out with them that much, talk like they do and act the way they do. They called me names and the only friends I felt comfortable with threw me out like trash. I was 6 at that time, the first year of school. Completely new friends, completely new faces. I felt like i could maybe start things over, maybe figure out what I did wrong for my old friends to act like that. I didn’t know what was going on. Once again I was only comfortable talking with the boys. When i was with girls, It felt like i was out of place. I didn’t know what to do so i just sat there silently until one of the girls came up to me and made me talk. Eventually she became my best friend and till this day shes still my only best friend. We both approached the guys and eventually the two of us were one of the “bros” as the guys would call themselves. Not even a month past that the teachers started seeing the lack of communication i had with girls and pushed me away from guys. Once again i had this barrier between me and my friends. I slowly got used to the topics that girls talked about and tried blending in. Recently I remembered that the first time someone asked me what i wanna be I answered them with “boy”. That answer never changed till 2nd grade. It was the first time that someone explained to me that what i say or do isnt “normal”. I felt wrong. Everything felt wrong. I started blaming myself. I thought there was something wrong with me and that its all my fault. I went through a depressive state during which everyone around me started mentioning it. It got to the point that i was sent to a therapist. At that age i didnt know what to do and the only thing i could do was agree with the adults. A year past, I moved from one country to another. In grade 4 I realized that I’m attracted to both men and women. Once again i felt wrong as if im somehow going crazy. That is until one day i searched the internet about the way i felt and for the first time in forever i felt that im not lonely. No one knew and till this day doesnt know about this. I secretly think of myself as a bisexual till now. But… something still feels wrong. Ive been having these weird dreams as if theyre flashbacks of my childhood and whenever i ask mom about them she tells me that those are real memories, stuff that has happened before. I have dreams of me crying the whole night hugging a pillow, screaming “Im not a girl, I dont want to be a girl, I want to be a boy” and now after these years I still feel like I wanna cry and let the whole world know that Im not comfortable in the body I was born in. Im not comfortable with having to match up to the expectation my parents and the society have for me. Im not comfortable with being a girl. This thought makes me more and more confused each day. Each day I feel like the kid inside me who doesn’t care grows bigger. The moment I lied down to sleep my mind started thinking “I wish I were a male. Is there a way I can become one?”. And so I started doing research. I found hundreds and millions of people who felt like me, who had the courage to come out to everyone. People who didn’t have and let anyone stopping them from what they had been wishing for. I look at people who have surgeries and take doses of hormones. Who reach their life long dream of becoming a male and female and I cant help myself but smile. I smile and at the same time I feel like I wanna cry. Being born in a strict family whos completely against anything LGBT related has and will be the hardest part of my journey of trying to find my true identity. Ive been having this weird feeling that makes me happy when I think about it “When Im older, when I move out, when im completely in control of my body and life Ill finally be able to think straight and figure out if I truly am transgender or not. The thing that’s stopping me now to even try and take my time and truly think about it is my parents. Theyre the obstacle im afraid to overcome at the age of 16”. I feel happy that maybe one day once im sure about my feelings, I can finally start my trip to becoming a male.