the world s**** so f****** much now, things have literally only ever gotten demonstrably WORSE since i became an adult. i don’t ask for much, but holy s*** the world we were promised was a f****** lie, and i’ve honestly reached the point where any sliver of hope seems like a cruel trick to me now. i mean, why bother believing any of it when it’ll just be snatched away at the whims of this or that fascist billionaire in a few years anyway lol. on top of that i’m almost fully convinced at this point that when i finally, eventually die, it will 100% be by my own hand. because not only will i never see the world demonstrably improve within my own lifetime, i fear for the younger generations coming after me. we’re all f****** cooked and idk what else i can really do for the world except figure out how i’m gonna exit it. my family will probably mourn me, but honestly i’d rather they just focus on the savings. it’s easier on the wallet to feed four mouths than five after all, especially in this economy.

and look i’m fully aware that the world wasn’t perfect when i was a kid either, i was simply more innocent at the time. i mean, some of my happiest memories were being made while much of the world was still reeling from the GFC. me? i was dancing to the veronicas and meeting the person who would turn out to be my best friend for life. i know what nostalgia goggles are, and i hate that part of the reason for my belief that the world was better back then is STEEPED in nostalgia and this hind-brained, emotionally-driven urge to regress back to a time when things felt less complicated and precarious, and my happiness and wellbeing were actually guaranteed. i know this is puerile and childish. i know it’s immature and reactionary to yearn for this sort of “return to a simpler time” that, again, was only ever really “simple” because i was a literal child with no real responsibilities to speak of. i know all that. and at the end of the day i DO enjoy the independence i’m able to have, and the love and respect from the people who matter to me most and recognise me as an adult.

but also… i can’t fully escape the thought that things WERE genuinely better back then, and even further back than that. unfortunately, since we haven’t figured out time travel and thus i can’t just go back and kill ronald reagan or whatever, i’ll have to settle for killing myself sometime after trump eventually carks it. why till then? because fucked if that orange shitstain is outliving me, goddamn it. gotta die with some dignity, after all, even if most of my sanity has left the building at this point.

sorry for how long this got lmao i was in my feelings ok byeeeee