Search site

a pain
5 months
x
611 Views

I’d prefer to stay anonymous, so I won’t be sharing my real name. Tomorrow is my birthday or technically today, since as I’m writing this, it’s 12:22 am, May 27, 2026. I’m turning 19. I’ve been suicidal for as long as I can remember. I keep thinking back to this memory of when I was a child back in Egypt where I’d play around in the balcony. Back then, we had this small house and, like every poor family in Egypt, our family air-dried our clothes, so we had ropes outside our balcony for this. When I was young, I liked to push myself on top of them and balance myself. I kept doing so until I almost fell once and my neighbor told me to get off. I always visit that memory and wish that I felt it then. I haven’t contributed anything meaningful to the world, I’ve only caused pain to family and friends, and honestly, I’m tired. If I wasn’t such a coward I’d have done the job already.

I surprisingly have made a few friends over the years. I don’t think they actually care about me as much as I thought, but at least someone knows I exist. There is this girl I like, or maybe liked. I tried asking her out a few times, which, btw, were probably the worst and most awkward ways a person has been asked out before in the history of humans. I regret a lot of things with her. One was getting so attached to someone without actually being in a relationship with them. Second is making her uncomfortable. It pains me every day that she sees me this way. I’m a very weird person. I believe I have Asperger syndrome. I wasn’t diagnosed by a doctor or psychiatrist, I had always wondered why I wasn’t normal like everyone else and did my own research, but I wasn’t completely sure I had it. Also, I didn’t want to be one of those annoying kids who try to get attention by telling everyone about their so-called depression and exaggerating stories. I had this English teacher, and she said she had it, so one day I scheduled a private meeting with her and asked her about it. Once I talked with her, I realized this is exactly who I am. I’m sitting in front of this woman who, mentally, is basically a carbon copy of myself. I also have ADHD, which is the one I asked my doctor about. I got prescribed Adderall for it, and it actually helped a lot. Temporarily, my grades got better, and I was actually able to focus on class, but it all came crashing down.

To be honest, I’m not sure if I am capable of feeling happiness or joy, I feel like I either just exist, or I’m sad. I don’t know any other emotions besides that. Currently, I’m a nursing student in New Mexico, USA. I have a 4.0 program GPA and a 3.7 overall GPA (took some history classes, not my best subject). I thought OKAY! Maybe focusing on this, and if I become a nurse and help people, I can feel happy or satisfied or proud or something, but nope.

I don’t really have anyone, Tbh I feel like my parents couldn’t care less about me. I haven’t had a single conversation with my parents since I was born, sometimes now, and I don’t understand it, my mom tries to act like a mom, not sure if that makes sense, like she tries to talk to me, but honestly it just makes me frustrated, and I don’t understand why. My father left us about 3–4 years back. I didn’t really care. All he did was hit my mom, brother, and I. He tries to get in contact me every few months, but I couldn’t care less.

I want to go through with it, but I have a lot of responsibilities, even if I don’t like my family, my mother would have to be alone taking care of my brother with cerebral palsy if I was gone, I started a small nonprofit to help some people from the high school I graduated from, and I’m the one practically running everything so that wouldn’t be good. So I’m not sure.Hello, 

I’d prefer to stay anonymous, so I won’t be sharing my real name. Tomorrow is my birthday or technically today, since as I’m writing this, it’s 12:22 am, May 27, 2026. I’m turning 19. I’ve been suicidal for as long as I can remember. I keep thinking back to this memory of when I was a child back in Egypt where I’d play around in the balcony. Back then, we had this small house and, like every poor family in Egypt, our family air-dried our clothes, so we had ropes outside our balcony for this. When I was young, I liked to push myself on top of them and balance myself. I kept doing so until I almost fell once and my neighbor told me to get off. I always visit that memory and wish that I felt it then. I haven’t contributed anything meaningful to the world, I’ve only caused pain to family and friends, and honestly, I’m tired. If I wasn’t such a coward I’d have done the job already.

I surprisingly have made a few friends over the years. I don’t think they actually care about me as much as I thought, but at least someone knows I exist. There is this girl I like, or maybe liked. I tried asking her out a few times, which, btw, were probably the worst and most awkward ways a person has been asked out before in the history of humans. I regret a lot of things with her. One was getting so attached to someone without actually being in a relationship with them. Second is making her uncomfortable. It pains me every day that she sees me this way. I’m a very weird person. I believe I have Asperger syndrome. I wasn’t diagnosed by a doctor or psychiatrist, I had always wondered why I wasn’t normal like everyone else and did my own research, but I wasn’t completely sure I had it. Also, I didn’t want to be one of those annoying kids who try to get attention by telling everyone about their so-called depression and exaggerating stories. I had this English teacher, and she said she had it, so one day I scheduled a private meeting with her and asked her about it. Once I talked with her, I realized this is exactly who I am. I’m sitting in front of this woman who, mentally, is basically a carbon copy of myself. I also have ADHD, which is the one I asked my doctor about. I got prescribed Adderall for it, and it actually helped a lot. Temporarily, my grades got better, and I was actually able to focus on class, but it all came crashing down.

To be honest, I’m not sure if I am capable of feeling happiness or joy, I feel like I either just exist, or I’m sad. I don’t know any other emotions besides that. Currently, I’m a nursing student in New Mexico, USA. I have a 4.0 program GPA and a 3.7 overall GPA (took some history classes, not my best subject). I thought OKAY! Maybe focusing on this, and if I become a nurse and help people, I can feel happy or satisfied or proud or something, but nope.

I don’t really have anyone, Tbh I feel like my parents couldn’t care less about me. I haven’t had a single conversation with my parents since I was born, sometimes now, and I don’t understand it, my mom tries to act like a mom, not sure if that makes sense, like she tries to talk to me, but honestly it just makes me frustrated, and I don’t understand why. My father left us about 3–4 years back. I didn’t really care. All he did was hit my mom, brother, and I. He tries to get in contact me every few months, but I couldn’t care less.

I want to go through with it, but I have a lot of responsibilities, even if I don’t like my family, my mother would have to be alone taking care of my brother with cerebral palsy if I was gone, I started a small nonprofit to help some people from the high school I graduated from, and I’m the one practically running everything so that wouldn’t be good. So I’m not sure.

New Confession

I had…well, have…a female cousin, she was younger than all us boys and was the only female cousin. Even before any of us went through puberty, she would flirt and flash and tease us and always wanted our pants down when she let us look at her nearly or completely naked. Before any of us were in or past puberty she was most prone to doing such things in the pool, rubbing up against us and even reaching into our swim trunks and fondling and rubbing our child p e n elises and fondling our tiny t e s tcles. Sometimes she would even risk taking off her bikin bottoms under the water and let us touch and rub her and fondle her cheeks as she kept fondling and rubbing us. She always laughed when we got our immature little erec tions. It was far beyond anything remotely normal or playing doctor. A handful of times at picnic family reunions she would let some of us go with her as she snuck us out into the woods and take off all our clothes and look at and fondle us. Sometimes she would even con us into fondling ourselves and each other and even wanting us to s*** each other’s miniature g*******. We would do anything for her she had us eating out of her hand. As we boys started going through puberty she would keep us doing all these things just for the chance to see her naked, we all knew it was dirty and wrong esp since she was a few years younger than us. When she learned it happened by seeing it frombus for the first time, she would always want us to mas tur bate so she could watch us squirt. When her body started developing she loved to show it off even more and would let us fondle and g**** her. She never did anything more than touch and fondle us. Never let us do anything but touch and fondle her. She was the puppeteer and we were her pathetic h**** addicted performers. There was nothing we would not do to degrade ourselves for her, just to touch and see her. Sometimes she wanted to see us all moaning and j e r king off non stop for her, but there were far too many times she would direct her own personal h********* p*** show by asking us to s u ck each other, she would mix up who of us did it to another, but it is a harsh truth that thanks to her my male cousins and i spent an obscene amount of time s u c king each other off. The most personal part of this? I tended to be the one she had on my knees the most s u c k ing off the others. And if there were family gatherings but she was not there or was not in the mood to tease us, the group of us male cousins would have our own s u c k and j e r k off parties. If she was not direcring us, we were all common c o c k s u m e r s, it was only at her direction with us that i was the busiest one.

She stopped being interested by the time she was 17. We male cousins continued to do these things. Even as we aged well into our 20s. We would sometimes get together to do so, in pairs or the group, and sometimes we would talk about how we hated how we had allowed ourselves to be led into all of it. We gradually grew out of that behavior completely but it was a long struggle because we had become a very severely addicted bunch.

Over time family gossip informed us that Sarah would fu ck anyone any time outisde the family. As my fellow male cousins and i learned of this, i said it was a shame someone else outside the family was enjoying all that. It led to me learning from my cousins that Sarah had been all of their firsts. My cousins did not understand why that angered me so much, and when i calmed down i confessed to them that i had twice begged Sarah to be my first and she had refused me both times. My cousins were both shocked and supportive, telling me that none of them had ever mentioned it but assuned she had claimed all their vir gin ities. She had been the one that approached them for that. They had just assumed it was the same for me because i was the one that was truly utterly infatuated with her. They offered to try to talk to her and find out why i was the only one she rejected from clsiming virginity but promised they would not at my sincere pleading because i did not want to know. All of us had dated and had s** with other women, our only male male experiences were amongst ourselves. It was even more hurtful and angering and even my fellow male cousins had figured she would have slept with me also because they figured i was her favorite, her most devoted and star “performer”. But they did also point out that when they had each lost their virginity to her that it was the last time she did anything with each of them ever again. It was a mystery to us all but my cousins were very empathetic and understood my hurt and anger. We never talk to or hear from Sarah any more, and i still sometimes wonder why i was the only one she rejected that way. It is f’d up that this is still a low level pain for me. Being the only cousin she didn’t f u c k.

View

Related Confessions

I had…well, have…a female cousin, she was younger than all us boys and was the only female cousin. Even before any of us went through puberty, she would flirt and flash and tease us and always wanted our pants down when she let us look at her nearly or completely naked. Before any of us were in or past puberty she was most prone to doing such things in the pool, rubbing up against us and even reaching into our swim trunks and fondling and rubbing our child p e n elises and fondling our tiny t e s tcles. Sometimes she would even risk taking off her bikin bottoms under the water and let us touch and rub her and fondle her cheeks as she kept fondling and rubbing us. She always laughed when we got our immature little erec tions. It was far beyond anything remotely normal or playing doctor. A handful of times at picnic family reunions she would let some of us go with her as she snuck us out into the woods and take off all our clothes and look at and fondle us. Sometimes she would even con us into fondling ourselves and each other and even wanting us to s*** each other’s miniature g*******. We would do anything for her she had us eating out of her hand. As we boys started going through puberty she would keep us doing all these things just for the chance to see her naked, we all knew it was dirty and wrong esp since she was a few years younger than us. When she learned it happened by seeing it frombus for the first time, she would always want us to mas tur bate so she could watch us squirt. When her body started developing she loved to show it off even more and would let us fondle and g**** her. She never did anything more than touch and fondle us. Never let us do anything but touch and fondle her. She was the puppeteer and we were her pathetic h**** addicted performers. There was nothing we would not do to degrade ourselves for her, just to touch and see her. Sometimes she wanted to see us all moaning and j e r king off non stop for her, but there were far too many times she would direct her own personal h********* p*** show by asking us to s u ck each other, she would mix up who of us did it to another, but it is a harsh truth that thanks to her my male cousins and i spent an obscene amount of time s u c king each other off. The most personal part of this? I tended to be the one she had on my knees the most s u c k ing off the others. And if there were family gatherings but she was not there or was not in the mood to tease us, the group of us male cousins would have our own s u c k and j e r k off parties. If she was not direcring us, we were all common c o c k s u m e r s, it was only at her direction with us that i was the busiest one.

She stopped being interested by the time she was 17. We male cousins continued to do these things. Even as we aged well into our 20s. We would sometimes get together to do so, in pairs or the group, and sometimes we would talk about how we hated how we had allowed ourselves to be led into all of it. We gradually grew out of that behavior completely but it was a long struggle because we had become a very severely addicted bunch.

Over time family gossip informed us that Sarah would fu ck anyone any time outisde the family. As my fellow male cousins and i learned of this, i said it was a shame someone else outside the family was enjoying all that. It led to me learning from my cousins that Sarah had been all of their firsts. My cousins did not understand why that angered me so much, and when i calmed down i confessed to them that i had twice begged Sarah to be my first and she had refused me both times. My cousins were both shocked and supportive, telling me that none of them had ever mentioned it but assuned she had claimed all their vir gin ities. She had been the one that approached them for that. They had just assumed it was the same for me because i was the one that was truly utterly infatuated with her. They offered to try to talk to her and find out why i was the only one she rejected from clsiming virginity but promised they would not at my sincere pleading because i did not want to know. All of us had dated and had s** with other women, our only male male experiences were amongst ourselves. It was even more hurtful and angering and even my fellow male cousins had figured she would have slept with me also because they figured i was her favorite, her most devoted and star “performer”. But they did also point out that when they had each lost their virginity to her that it was the last time she did anything with each of them ever again. It was a mystery to us all but my cousins were very empathetic and understood my hurt and anger. We never talk to or hear from Sarah any more, and i still sometimes wonder why i was the only one she rejected that way. It is f’d up that this is still a low level pain for me. Being the only cousin she didn’t f u c k.

View