I like openness, honesty, and transparency in my relationships. However things have been... different than I expected. I'm not even sure what the protocol

2 months

60 Views

I like openness, honesty, and transparency in my relationships. However things have been… different than I expected.

I’m not even sure what the protocol is here. I have something I want to tell my partner, I feel like I need to, but also the thought of doing so makes me feel sick to my stomach. Let’s just say the last time I tried to, things….. didn’t go well.

I don’t know how much my partner knows. I’m just learning things myself. I thought in the beginning I was only going to have two partners. I had no idea about anyone else. This is a learning process for me, and it’s not easy. I learned about a third not long after, but things were happening at the same time and it just… it was too much going on at once.

I know it sounds crazy, but I’m not 100% sure how many people I’ve slept with. Years ago, there were people. But.. after learning about my husband, I honestly wasn’t sure if those encounters were him or them. But, I believe it was them. And new evidence supports that. It’s hard to describe all the things I’ve gone through but I’m trying.

The thing is, I didn’t go searching for those encounters and I was shocked and even afraid when they happened. I did try to end things.

It took me years to end things with one of them. And the other I have a weird feeling got mad at me when I pulled away. But like- it’s scary? I don’t know these people and clearly we’re not on the same page.

I was such a devout Christian that on some level it makes me feel like I’m a w**** or something that I had very s***** relationships with other women.

Some from years ago, and some only recent and new.

There’s a girl, I think I slept with her but I’m not 100% sure.

For me it’s like I’ve been in a daze because so many huge, life-changing things were happening at the same time and the last thing on my mind was having encounters with people but it just happened.

All I can say about it is things are just not going the way I expected. I wanted to actually talk to my partner about all these things, have an honest dialogue. Because I’m not the type to hide things like that. So I wanted to be up front about it, but… things are just strange. The last time I hinted that I’d slept with someone and again, it wasn’t even something I pursued, it just happened; it surprised me.

But my partner made me feel like I betrayed them and did something wrong, like they were trying to punish me. Which confused me because I thought my partner wanted to be in this kind of relationship with me? I thought my partner knew. But instead I was made to feel like I did something horribly wrong, even though I didn’t even seek it out to begin with.

So even though I want to be honest, the thought now of doing so fills me with dread and makes me feel sick.

I know this sounds crazy but I have actually feared for my life because I don’t know how my partner will react.

I don’t even know what my partner knows- but the fact that I feel intense guilt for loving my husband, who I’ve been with much longer, is not good.

It just completely took me by surprise because I believed we were all on the same page. I thought my partner was fully on board, only to be shocked at the revelation that they see me as being a cheater?

I have so much going on and now this?

I’m confused, that’s all I’m gonna say…

New Confession

I hope you find inner peace guy/girl with the therapist.
I wouldn’t put your stocks on them breaking up for your happiness, tho.
Sounds like you need to find someone who isn’t helping you through mental wars.
I heard it’s common to fall for a therapist because they listen.
Maybe that’s why I used to be obsessed with my friends. 🤷‍♂️
Just some food for thought. And on that note, I’m excited and nervous to meet my first therapist in June.
(Being sober is helping, too)

Related Confessions

I got mad at my boyfriend for talking to other girls in front of me, while I sat on his best friends lap. I feel like a hypocrite but at the same time I feel valid. My boyfriend asked me to do this, to play this role with his friend. My boyfriend and I are not supposed to be seen together in front of certain friends of his, and at this party I had to pretend to be his best friends girl so that no other guy would try to hit on me. Okay, so I played along and was now the girlfriend of his best friend. I did not tell him to flirt with other ladies right in front of me, or to dance with them. So I’m feeling petty, mad, and his friend is buying me drink after drink. I’m upset that I can’t be on my boyfriend so I start milking it with the friend, my ‘boyfriend’ of the night. I hold on his waist, I sit on his lap, to other couples that we talk to ‘we’re going to try for a child this year’, like we’re playing the part to a T, he’s feeling on me, were dancing naughty on the floor. I’ve never danced with anyone like that and I had a really good time with him because he looked after me so well. He didn’t even let me go to the bathroom alone, he’d wait by the door. He was so sweet. But I was so upset at my boyfriend for not even like trying to come say hi, check on me or anything. He was too busy with other ladies. By the end of the night, I was pretty toasty. I don’t even remember going to the last bar, but I remember being there again on his friends lap. He’d just hold me and talk to me while my boyfriend was again, talking to another girl. I told my ‘boyfriend of the night’ how upset it made me, and how I didn’t want to put up with it. Maybe I said a little much.. and I kind of regret it. I didn’t and wouldn’t kiss the friend, I would not sleep with the friend. But my boyfriend said ‘i’m not upset, but if I was not there i’m sure things would have escalated between the two of you’. Which I kind of took offense to because I was doing what he told me to! I’ve only been with two guys and him! Three total, I don’t sleep around! and he has the nerve to say that. I don’t know. I’m upset, but I also feel like a hypocrite. Maybe I milked it too hard by dancing with the friend, by holding his thigh while we sat together. UGH I get flustered just thinking about it! But he made me feel safe and like I could do those things without anything more happening! He was kind and didn’t push any limits. There was no risk between us. But I did have a good time. I am debating on whether or not to message the friend (get this, the friend and I are connected on social media but my own bf won’t unblock me because he can’t risk people knowing about us because hes married..) ANYWAY I was debating on whether or not to message the friend and just thank him for the night. and also apologize for.. getting a little sloppy and handsy.. I hold my face in embarrassment just thinking about it.
I asked my bf after that night if he was upset with me, and he say’s ‘Nah I really don’t care, just s*** me off’. . .
I’m so … stupid.

So after writing this, I messaged the friend. I apologized for getting handsy and thanked him for the fun night. He said he had a GREAT time with me and that I should be brought out to dance more. (I never get taken out to dance.) The realization of all of this is making me cry lol.. I’m feeling even more conflicted than I was ten minutes ago. . . Well time to go back to work in the office now.