I wish I could kill myself. I’ve lived all my life looking up to and practically idolising my older sister, only to have my heart broken by her. She prioritises everyone and everything else but me. She loves our eldest sister, because she idolises her the same way I do her. I have a pretty large age gap with all my siblings. I’m the youngest. So I never was close with our eldest. I only met her in prison when I was really young.

I’ve lived my life for my sister, the one I looked up to. I started drawing because I saw hers and they looked cool. She was always cool and edgy and tomboyish in my eyes, and I really liked her so I tried to ‘copy’ her all the time (typical younger sibling behaviour). She stopped drawing not long after. Assumed that I drew better than her. I can’t draw now or improve at all now that I know that I was the reason she stopped.

But now, current year, after countless times where I’ve been betrayed and lied and yelled at, I’m realising just how much time and love I wasted on her. I started working because of her, I did a lot of things in my life because of AND for her.

But now that she has all her days at home with our eldest, do I just not matter anymore? Is my existence nothing to her? What else am I living for now? What the f*** am I working for now? I have no one else besides my family and that’s always been in the shitter. I’ve always been an accident and nothing but a burden in my family’s eyes and I can’t take it anymore. I have nothing to live for, no one to love and be loved by. I don’t do drugs, I don’t go out and have random flings. I barely even smoke and drink. My life is nothing and bland and so sheltered. All I’ve ever done is be quiet, not complain, take everything without saying anything. I’m so low maintenance just so I wouldn’t let my sister bear more load. I have the lowest standards because I don’t like to ask for more. I’m terrified to ask for more. I don’t deserve it, is what my sister would always imply. I’m too young, I’m too privileged. I can’t ever be sick or depressed or have any mental health issues. This is just normal. Everyone goes through it. I believed her for so long and undermined my own problems for her.

For so long I’ve revolved my life around my sister. I guess I was just the unwanted little planet she never wanted in her orbit. I’ll turn 23 next year but I don’t feel alive. I’ve never felt alive.