Saddle up folks, this will be a long one, I’m grateful for those of u who will read it all altho I hold nothing against u if u don’t lmao God knows I wouldn’t if I was in ur position n not my own,

I won’t use real names just letters, but I’ll use my middle name as my own name for this out of fear that someone from my life will recognize my nickname

My name is Aideen, I’ve been in love w j since I was 14. The sad part is we’ve been more than friends since we were both 14 too he’s always felt something I knew that much and he still does cus he’s still around. I know he loves me and I know ur sitting there behind ur screens rolling ur eyes because ur saying to urself “oh God not another hopeless romantic” believe me I know, I’m the one who has to live w this hopeless romantic behavior I get how annoying I can be, but he does or at least my brain is telling me he has to, he has got to love me, there is no way that w 5 years, 4 of which was spent together every single day l, talking non-stop, constant s** and the hardships we faced together… there is no way he doesn’t feel love for me but I have no idea to be truthful w u all. I have no clue, this isn’t even the worst of it ik how annoying this all is but it’s not the point of this post at all, it’s just a little context, pointless context that i guess im hoping will justify whats abt to come next. I’ve been dating someone else, I forced myself to move on because what me and him have is emotionally hard, it’s draining, so I moved on or convinced myself I did but, from week 1 (which was back in February of this year) ive been cheating on this new boy, we’ll call him O, O and i r great as friends but who am i fooling? Im not attracted to him like at all. Not even a little. He’s sweet, kind, generous, so full of energy and personality, hes a happy person and I can’t for the life of me figure out why he would wanna be w someone like myself. That isn’t me sulking I promise u but I’m not a good or even a half decent person, I’m facing a felony of which I’m 100% guilty of, I blackmailed my way into graduating high school, I’m incapable of being loyal to one guy/girl, I’m a recovering alcoholic, a heroin junkie, a pill popper, an ex prostitute, unemployed, and I’m fat I got a great f***** rack but I’m fat. Its not me throwing myself a pity party it’s just me being realistic, that is in fact the life I’ve molded for myself I’m a hot mess and I’m headed downhill and it won’t be long til I crash and burn, my life was always meant to be short it wasn’t ever supposed to go on passed 27 years LATEST I don’t see any reason why that wouldnt still be the plan i dont like my life but the one part of my life that I was always proud of, was j, he was my shining light through all the darkness, that sounds so gay eww lmao but anyways it’s the truth he made life good when life felt awful, when me and J first met my parents were going through a rough patch constant arguing and he heard the arguments because we were on the phone 24/7, he talked me through them calmed me down, and when my dad died he was there holding my hand through everything, I went through more hard s*** If I went on and explain them all and now he was there for me would be here forever and you’d still be reading this already very long submission, point being is no matter what he was there even if he was angry with me, even if we weren’t speaking, even if I hurt him he was there for me. So can you really blame me I’m stuck with somebody who I’m trying to convince myself I love because I want to move on, but I can’t. You can’t force that. I don’t love O, I doubt I ever will He’s not for me it just doesn’t click. J is for me though, he has my heart stuck in a knot and I can’t escape it I can’t move on, it’s impossible to do I did a s***** thing, a very very bad thing, I did a thing I can’t take back that I can’t make right and I just kind of have to deal with it and take accountability which I realize I’m not doing right now because I’m trying to justify it. It all is pointless because I’m doing it all for someone who will never stay, j doesn’t stay, he never does. Ever since I met him The one thing that has been consistent about him is his inconsistency, I’m doing all this, causing all this pain, and it all for somebody who in a week will be gone but hey that’s my life right! I do this to myself constantly and you know what this won’t be the last time I do it, j Will come back around and do this to me all over again and just like every time before Ill have let him do it to me.

Thank u to those who read this all, it means so much someone would take the time to read it, I’m not a saint I never claimed to be but I hope u can see I’m not a “bad” person because of my actions. Thank u again and God bless u 💕