WARNING SA

I have never told anyone this in my life..my brother raped me since I was 7 yrs old till I was 14, he’s 5 yrs older than I am and I’ve never told anyone cause as much as I hate him for what he did to me, I never wanted to ruin his life or make my parents hate him so I don’t see many options for myself than to just keep quiet. I’m 23 now and I’ve been moved out for a while, I try to keep seeing my brother to a minimum. He says he’s sorry and that he regrets ever doing it but he has tried to initiate things again recently and I feel like im going to lose my mind. I don’t have a lot of family, my aunts, uncles, and cousins have mostly passed or are drunks/drug addicts, my grandparents have all passed long ago. I only have my parents and brother, my dad and I don’t have much of a relationship either so I really only have my mom. It just really s**** cause my brother is very close to my parents, like I said before I hate him for what he did and for making me how I am but I’d never want to do that to my mom. So I live through everyday for the rest of my life being the only one who knows what happened. Unfortunately, it happened almost everyday when I was younger, I was home schooled and I didn’t have any friends so I never really left the house, my parents worked so I’d often be left home alone with him, I couldn’t shower without worrying about him trying to unlock the door or be in my bedroom without locking my door. I was in a very deep depression, often considering suicide, I felt like a vending machine, only being around for personal use. I said no everytime, I fought and punched and shoved but he was so much bigger than me, he forced me to s*** his d*ck and many other horrible horrible things I won’t put on here, that was just one of the least foul things he did to me. No person should ever be put through what I was put through and be forced to live with it after, especially at such a young age. I’m scared of having s***** relations with anyone now it just gives me bad ptsd. I’ve tried getting set up with a therapist but honestly with my depression and money I’ve had a hard time finding one. Things are definitely a lot better now, like I said before I try to keep seeing him to a minimum and just try to ignore that it ever happened and only keep in contact with my mom. For her sake, I don’t say a word.