[Long-ish one] Nostop regrets about (probably) one-sided loves and missed opportunities consume my mind every waking hour: About a girl whose number I got a decade ago and was too shy and traumatic to text… Another who I did text with after meeting for two years which ended in heartbreak and threats from her then boyfriend… And another about a childhood friend who I’m still in contact with but whenever we rarely hang out she speaks about this other guy friend who she met many years later… Maybe it’s anxiety. A teacher had humiliated me for looking at a crush when I was 10, I was basically a$saulted by a girl when I was 8 and developed OCD. I’m now almost midway into my 20s and I feel like there’s no hope or purpose for me. Besides that, I was ruthlessly bullied through the entirety of elementary and middle school. Being betrayed is my life story… It’s on repeat, even happened in Uni with ‘friends’ who basically used me for class projects and then insulted their way out of friendship with me. Maybe it’s just true that the nice guys really do finish last…
I feel like I’m in a limbo, and it s**** out my willpower. I’m just so scared I’ll never experience love or happiness, feel what a hug and a kiss and a cuddle are like, somebody to talk to and share my passions with… Even just normal friendships… What else is worth striving for? How am I supposed to focus on my studies, talents and hobbies if it’s all for Love; but there’s no (and a lot of counter-) guarantees I’ll ever get to experience love.
I don’t fear death, I fear dying without never having been loved. All the love that I have to give, my ideas, my plans… I guess I’m just contending with being human right now, but this whole love business really s****. Why do some people who haven’t done or achieved as much as I have, who are younger, meaner, more manipulative and selfish than I am get to experience love, over and over, sometimes more than one at a time… This generation truly is crazy. Well, we’ll probably ALL be done soon anyway due to wars and such 🙁
I just wish I knew what it was like…
