• 1 year ago

I guess I’m scared. My reasoning’s and fears may be vain but they are real. I worry about destroying my body and never bringing it back to ‘what it used to be’. I worry that I won’t have the support that I need. I worry that I will be constantly crying from the stress of getting everything done correctly, I cry just thinking about it. I have a good life right now. I have two dogs, a cat, a garden, two houses, four cars. . . I’ve always wanted a child, but now that I’m here, I’m at the appropriate age, I have a stable living and financial situation.. I am just staring at this next chapter with like such disgust.

I am struggling just trying to bring myself to just SAY the words of ‘I want to be pregnant’ UGH. It’s so gross. I want the baby(somedays) but I don’t want the pregnancy, I don’t want the birth, I don’t want a strangers baby by adopting, and I don’t want the work! BUT I know that’s what a baby is!! and I have this strange mental hurdle that I’m battling while my poor bf is just in support of whatever I want to do. Whatever I want and whatever works basically!
Gosh. I just wish I could make HIM pregnant. Why did I have to be born a beautiful woman. lol a little sarcasm there but it crosses my mind so much. How much easier it would be if I could just be the impregnator vs the pregnant. Ugh. The s*** I have to do to make the world go around. I’m coming to terms with it. But it’s difficult. Saying these things out loud and typing them out like this truly helps me come to the reality that I want to pursue aka having a child(yuck). It helps me get my head straight… But that doesn’t change the fact that I still feel disgusted at the mere thought!! I still need time to process.

And its not like I would look at the child with disgust, it’s the process. I don’t want someone growing in ME?? WTF for months?? and making me into this tick thing that just pops and nearly kills the both of us one day, how exciting is that? Beautiful, no!?! I’m only deformed for the rest of my life now! UGH. Just grow in a test tube with my genetics please k thanks

The strangest thing that is helping me come to terms with this quicker is .. my dog. I love my dog so much. and I want nothing more than for him to meet a child that I hope lives up to the bar he has set. Time waits for no one and he is going on 13 years. I know I need to act soon for his sake, so he can see that his mom kept the pack going and all that protecting that he has done over the years was not in vain. Maybe it’s a silly thought. But he is so special to me and I would love for my favorite boy to meet my child someday.

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