I don’t think my friend actually respects my gender

I love my friend with all of my heart, she was the first person I really came out as ace aro to and she accepted me unflinchingly, the same way I accepted her the whole way through her questioning being trans before she settled on CIS. I came out to her as trans masc last year, and I had to come out three f****** times before she actually remembered for longer than a day. I tried to show the names I was thinking about to her, and she almost outed me to the first person who walked by because they asked why we were in the commonspace. Now, I told her my name and my pronouns, and she never uses either. I asked her to use them in private since I’m not out to anyone else yet, but she doesn’t use them then, either.

I don’t know, it just really s****, since she was the first person I trusted and came out to about my s******** that didn’t immediately call me broken or out me to other people, but now it feels like I put that trust in the wrong place. Especially since someone who’s been our mutual friend for years recently got exposed as a s******* abusive f****** creep, who ignored the boundaries of his girlfriend and was completely unremorseful about it, and he was the other person I was thinking about coming out to.

Now I’m worried I can’t come out to anyone.

I can’t come out to my family, my sister’s leaving for college and if come out to my mom she’ll insist I tell my father like she did for my sister, and he’s, like, blatantly transphobic. I think he would genuinely attack me for that. He’s been abusive my whole life, but not physically, not since I was around four.

I’m just terrified, and I really, really want someone who can accept me for who I am. Every part of me. Even when that means wearing headphones and not making eye contact and avoiding touching people and using he/they pronouns and being asexual and aromantic and just… Being me.

It’s terrifying, to me, that there’s already people who want me dead just because of who I am.