I feel like I’m a pain to everybody. It’s my fault. It always is. My mental health is so fucked that I lie without realizing it. I wish I was never born. Pills don’t work. 5 suicidal attempts and I f*** that up too. Everyone pretends to like me. They don’t. My family doesn’t love me. I f****** hate myself. It hurts to breathe knowing I have to function in society. I’m not at home right now because I get abused. It’s probably my fault though. I should’ve done better. I still love them. That s*** hurts. I miss my dogs. I’m so homesick I want to die. I miss my little brothers and my sisters and my mommy and daddy and I need a hug so badly I cry at night because I don’t deserve one. I can’t trust anyone. Nobody should trust me. I disgust myself. I hate my body. I want to find somebody to love me so badly but I’m terrified of men. Im also scared that nobody wants to love me. I don’t love me. My biological parents didn’t love me. My adoptive parents say they love me. They don’t. Im a f****** failure at everything I do. Can’t keep my grades up. Can’t love a normal f****** teenage life and say yes to a boy because I get so f****** scared. I know I’m annoying and self centered and everyone gets tired of me. I know. I know every time I get home from school my parents sigh. I try to love myself but I just can’t. I can’t fix myself either because god knows I’ve tried that. Too skinny. Too fat. Too quiet. Too loud. You look like a boy. You look like a s***. I don’t know how long I can keep doing this. In fact I’m not really doing this. I’m just waiting at this point. I’m not going to shoot my brains out. But who knows, maybe I won’t look both ways before crossing the road. Or maybe I’ll slip into a pool and hit my head. I wrote a suicide letter. It thanked my friends. Told my family it wasn’t their fault. It wouldn’t have been. I just hate myself that f****** much. So my confession is this. I hate me.
