I'm that guy with a bpd boyfriend. He is more mean to me than ever for no reason. He told me he doesn't trust me in our relationship anymore. I know I

3 years

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I’m that guy with a bpd boyfriend.
He is more mean to me than ever for no reason.
He told me he doesn’t trust me in our relationship anymore. I know I didn’t do anything wrong. Yet it hurts till it gets numb. I want to cut but I’ve been clean for more than a year.
I feel like such an a******. Like I’m the worst boyfriend ever. The problem is him. The f****** problem is him yet he is so f****** comfortable with how abusive he is. Gonna starve myself maybe he will like me more.
I am 20 years old wtf is wrong with me

New Confession

I hate you and resent you, you never listen and only hear what you wanna hear. You like me but its only conditional and when its convenient for you. You treat me like trash just like everyone else has and walking on eggshells. Any little mistake I make, your awful to me, you’re easily possessive , controlling and get easily jealous if i so much smile at someone yet its okay for you to have friends. You don’t want me to talk to anyone else yet you push me when I want to have a conversation with you. You only halfway listen, and you wonder why I completely shut down and dead inside. I rather live and die alone than feel more alone & isolated around everyone who’ve treated me like a freak. You get mad that I don’t want to be near you yet you’ve mocked me when I was really upset and hurt. I feel trapped and stuck. Im waiting to die, I hate this non-ending cycle pathetic excuse of this life im living. I can’t even escape in my own thoughts, if a god or any other being exists and is listening, please take me away already , why do you let me live ?

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“I am 21 years old. I was only 14 when I fell in love with him. Even now, two years after our breakup, I still cannot move on. It is not for a lack of trying; I have literally tried everything, but I just cannot let him go. I loved him so deeply that I never even touched him. There is so much love left in my heart that I do not know how many more tears I have to cry to forget him. I constantly ask myself why I cannot choose someone else, but the truth is, I am simply not ready for another relationship. I truly feel we share a soulmate connection, and seeing him in my dreams makes my heart bleed. While I might look completely normal on the outside, I have become avoidant and have no one to share the chaos in my head. I am physically and emotionally ill now because of him, and I have suffered far more than I can even write down here.”