I hate my marriage, but I’m too pathetic to leave it. We have been together for 17 years. Married for 15. He was the first person I met when I got out of high school and I just went with it. I’m in the military. He spends most of his time playing video games. I stayed in after we discussed and agreed that I would continue after my first 4 years of service. I have gotten no support ever since. Last year, we moved after I was stuck at the same base for way too long. I basically ruined my career and allowed myself to continue to be unhappy with my life so that he could enjoy his. I made rank, and was told to pick something before I was forced into an assignment I potentially wouldn’t want. So when the assignment list came out, I chose. I was #1 on the list for an assignment, and when I got the base I wanted his words to me were “Thank you for costing me my job.” When we got here, he became the neighborhood bus driver. One of the neighbors whose kids he drove caught her husband cheating on him, and he became her handy man. He suddenly knew all of her business. And as he played his video games and left me to go to bed by myself (as he usually did), I could hear his phone going off at all hours of the night while he talked to her. Eventually, I put two and two together and realized that he was at the very least having an emotional affair with her. When I confronted him and told him how uncomfortable how frequently they messaged, he took the dogs out, came back 15 minutes later and said “Here, babe. Why don’t you silence my messages for me because I can’t figure it out.” This after months of guarding his phone while talking to her. Of course, I snooped, and of course, he had deleted EVERYTHING in his IM apps. I was too chicken to call him out on it. So I let it go. Ever since, it has been eating away at me. I finally started seeking therapy, and this week, my session was all about my marriage. The therapist pointed out that I am too busy making everyone else happy to work on my own happiness, and you know what? He is right. I really want to confront my husband. Tell him that our marriage is over and I don’t want to be with him anymore. But I’m just too much of a dog danged coward. I’ve become an emotional wreck. I made some choices for myself this week that have absolutely broken me, but I made them because I know that they’re the best for me. I want to get revenge and hook up with other men. Just to see if I would feel anything for doing it. But of course, my morals are higher than that and I can’t actually bring myself to go that far. I don’t think I would feel that guilty about it if I did it, though. There’s more to this story. A whole lot more. But this is already a book so I guess I will leave it at that.
