If you’re not up to read someone’s hopeless regrets or feelings, keep scrolling…

Let’s get the basics down, I don’t know how to communicate properly and am a over thinker, it not really bad to the people around me but on the inside I’m a complete mess. I act goofy and playful, sometimes violent with my words, rarely stern, but honest and optimistic about basically everything. Most of the time I put others before myself but lately, for a few months, I’ve tried to not be AS much of a sort of pushover and look after myself more, be selfish. It’s an act on the outside but I’m the inside I’m conflicted.

I know I’m different but I don’t know exactly how. Basically I can’t even understand myself and it hurts me but I don’t even know why that is either.

All I know really is that I’m depressed partly because of those reasons. When I was around 14 y/o I took 25 Tylenol pms in hopes I’d sleep and never wake up, I p**** out and walk out my room to stare at my mom and told her I took the pills while holding the bottle with the remaining pills in it. She had me go to the bathroom and puke in the toilet until I couldn’t puke anymore, I did, and then I almost immediately run to my friend’s house and acted as though everything was fine, like I didn’t just try to take my life. My mom came to pick me up because she was worried some of the pills had already digested and I would have fucked up my liver, thankfully that wasn’t the case but I was admitted to a acute time mental hospital. It wasn’t half bad there but the food was often blan and the breakfast was always cold. Afterwards they put me on meds but I refused to take them because of how they made me feel, because that feeling is what really made me depressed in the first place. It made me feel empty, like I had lost more than I already had… I remember that feeling so bad it basically traumatized me… I felt like a zombie moved by society’s rules and standards. I hated it, still do..

So to avoid having taken those meds I did more acting to seem more “happy” and for a time, even now, I managed to blind myself, brainwash, into staying away from those thoughts. They’re always in the back of my mind, they won’t ever leave, I know they won’t… Nothing can help me or change it, I’m so painfully aware of it but I keep hoping it will go away.. I hate it.. the hope I give myself disgust me but it won’t go away like the corrupting thoughts of self hate and doubt..

I’m so confused and hurt, but I know there is NOTHING that can change it. All I can do is what I assume everyone else does, put a veil of fog on so that you can’t see so far ahead.

Thank you for reading, help me.
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