I KNOW that NO ONE IS GOING TO READ THIS, BUT STILL.

This all starts in May 2022. Everything was fine—I was romanticising my own life—and my grades were gradually improving. I started my final classes of the year. When I started going to new tuition classes, everything was great until I fell for a boy. I was quite concerned about my feelings and never told anyone about this. And then, boom, I knew he had feelings for me too. I was looking forward to this feeling thing: butterflies, late night chatting, and then I left the classes for some reason, and suddenly one night I confessed to him; he was completely ready for that, but I’m not sure I was ready for the relationship thing. My monthly exams began, and I don’t know how, but I failed my math test for the first time in my life, which was entirely my fault. not only in math but in chem and physics too, and I couldn’t tell him about this. I just started distancing myself from him. He made lots of efforts to stay with me, but I did not respect his efforts and time. A small fight turned into a big fight, and I was always scared of him because he was a quiet and calm person. My grades totally went down. I was struggling, and it was tough for me to handle this on my own, and nobody knew about this. After three months, I texted him one night, knowing that when he wakes up at 4 a.m., the first thing he does is check his phone. When he replied, I was like, “Okay, it’s not over yet..bro, I am totally scared.” Still, he replied, and some of his text messages made me feel like I was a total b**** and selfish. and he does not want to talk to me. I was like, “Okay, okay, sorry, and talk to her again.” Instead of making efforts, I again distanced myself ,AGAIN. It’s now January, and I’ve sent him another message. I feel like a coward. I feel hopeless. I was misunderstood both then and now, and I really wanted him in my life; maybe I wasn’t ready for a boyfriend at the time, but I always felt like I wanted him by my side, in the frame of “MY MAN…AND ONLY MINE.” I wish I would have accepted that relationship. MY HEALTH, GRADES, DECISION MAKING F***** is messed up, from being a good student A HAPPY STUDENT, romanticising my own life, laughing, and making jokes. to a confused , below average student who has fucked up her life and has nothing left. Academics, love life, friends’ circles—everything is stressful. I believe I will be an outlier for the rest of my life. My parents do not deserve a child who is looser and can’t fight her own battle alone. To be honest, there are many more reasons why I feel it all leads to depression. I don’t want to do anything; I just want to sit in a corner and cry and scream, hoping no one hears me. Every day is a struggle for me. Random nights make me want to end my own life and solve all of my own problems. The best way to avoid problems is to disappear. I am scared to tell this to anyone because they won’t understand and it will make me feel stupid and useless. i wish i were more worthy than anything else on this planet. I’m scared of making anything in my life; I can’t see my future because all of my friends are so far ahead of me; we all started together, and they’re at the finish line, while I’m not even close. And I suppose all of this indicates that I require medical assistance, but believe me, I am terrified to tell anyone and ask for HELP!