I hate my life, I’m not even sure why. Sometimes I just want it to all be over. I wanted to be loved but not by my family or friends just telling me that they love me but idk what kind of love I want every time I like someone I attached to the thought to having them forever and that is how I feel loved but soon I always realize how they won’t ever love me, I’m crying right now and I thought it was because Ik the guy I like won’t ever like me because I’m younger than him but I honestly don’t think I’m crying because of him but idek because why would I cry about someone I just met. I always bundle up my tears and pain for months and sometimes it doesn’t even feel like I’m sad until I am left by myself to realize that all of my pain is still there. This is my first time crying this year it is January 16, 2023 so we aren’t that far into the year yet but I just want all of my problems to go away but idk how. I fixate on him I try to change myself to be like the perfect person he would like but I’m not even close to that yet, I’m a freshman and he’s a junior Ik you all probably are thinking that “oh this girl is so fake depressed teen who is just boy crazy and is over reacting” well you could be right because I don’t know what I am I just know I’m hurting and I want it to go away. I never cry infront of people every time I do it makes me feel worse like one time I was having a sleepover with my friends and they were all sleeping except one of them she was cleaning her room and I was just laying down turned to my side crying quietly so no one would hear me but she saw me crying and touched my shoulder but I didn’t look over because of how embarrassed I am but the next morning it got brought up and she said out loud to everybody tagt it was kinda funny and I laughed it off because I am just the fat funny friend so there was no need for it to be serious. Idk I just hate crying infront of people. One time I was out with my friends and we looking at Christmas lights and they want to take a picture at this light thingy and I don’t like taking pictures so I said I would take the pic but then these sweet ladies were waiting to take their picture next and they told me to get in and I said I was fine but one said but why you look so pretty, I still said no but I turned around pretending to type on my phone but I started to tear up because I felt like she was lying to me but I wasn’t sure so then I was silent for most of the rest of the night. I always feel like I need to fix myself for reasons I don’t think I will ever know why but I just hate it and myself. A couple months ago I was at my heaviest weight i I was 160 Ik that’s not that bad because I am tall for my age but it felt like to much for me so I started eating less, I’ve always had a binge eating disorder I would not eat at all in the day then stuff my self at night, so I started eating a lot less and now I am around 144 taht is a bigger difference but I still feel the same. I hate seeing my friend and her bf so happy together because that’s all I’ve ever wanted but idk know why, I have always have had problems with love ig I “liked” this guy for 10 years so a long time but I was chasing him for so long and he liked me before time on and time off but it just wasn’t enough for me and I really stopped lurking him after he moved states I still see him and talk to him like 2 a year because his older sister and my older sister has been friends since elementary but I knew I was over with him so I moved on. Freshman year my friend “Sam” she gets a bf named “James” and James has an other brother he’s a junior he’s super hot and I was obsessed so I would follow him around school take pictures of him make tiktoks about him basically just obsess my whole life around him, even went to one of his hockey games with Sam because James and his brother played on the same team so I watched James brother “jack” play while Sam was there for James but I knew it was never going to be anything more than just a crush because I am too young but I didn’t care. I tried to change myself to be more his type he liked poc so I was good on that prt most of his ex gfs were thicker so that was also good for me but the biggest thing is he was superrr different than I was he was punk and loves smashing pumpkins and deftones etc so I started to do and like things he like and soon I stated to feel like I actually knew him James knew that I was stalking his brother and has a fat crush on him but he just thought it was funny so he just fead into my craving sending me more pictures and videos of jack so soon I reall started to feel like I knew him like we had a real connection but soon it wasn’t enough I have always obsessed over s***** stuff ever since I was a child so I would soon start needing s***** satisfaction on a regular daily basis I would even need to mastrebate every night to go to bed I still do but idk. One night I really relized I just needed someone to love me I was watching p*** one night and I went to go look at the comments and some rando acc put “I realized I just want to be loved” and I started to cry because I don’t want to be fucked then left I want to be loved I want to be held I want to be someone’s interest I want it all that comes in a relationship. Jack got his first full white gf I wasn’t sad more sad that he had a gf haha but idk it felt different, soon she broke up with him, he stared talking to a girl who was a freshman (he didn’t know she said she was a sophomore) but me and Sam had James tell Jack that she was a freshman and that he knew her so then jack cut off connection with her so I felt a lot better but just recently aka today I found out he went on a date James told me and I got a description of what she looked like and I realized it was that girl me and my friends have been seeing him walk around with recently so I found out she was a sophomore which made me happy because she was younger but she was white and she was punk just like him so I felt like I needed to start being more emo as I would say. I knew in my head that it would never work though because I have changed my preferences and things I liked for guys all the time but I can never just seem to learn my lesson so here I am trying to be lore like him once again. I got upset that he went on a date with her obviously but it wasn’t intentional (Jack has been friends with “Taylor” before they went on this “date” ) their friend group made a plan to all go see avatar together but they would all cancel so Jack and Taylor could go together so basically they set up a surprise/blind date for them and they saw the movie together. So Ik they will probably date soon then breakup all that or whatever. But I just hated it so I started to say that I was gonna od obviously at a “joke” cus I was around my friends so they all just thought it was a joke cus it’s just stuff people my age joke about now so it didn’t matter, I felt like it was a joke but not really, idk tho but taht doesn’t matter, I feel like I actually do wanna od. I will never be with him but I can’t. Later that night I was texting on the gc with James and Sam and they were making jokes about s** and what they do but I was jealous because I just wish I could do s***** stuff with Jack but I can’t because he doesn’t even know who I am, I sat in a car with him once but he didn’t even know my name. There is no point to my story though I will keep loving jack until he graduates and I’m left a fat sad ugly plain highschool that no one will ever like, and I’ll be stuck around my beautiful friends. Standing alone on prom night while all of my friends take pictures with their dates. Maybe I won’t even have friends anymore but it doesn’t matter I will always have the same life loop… crush, obsession, loose them, watch everyone else live a better life than me , want to kill my self but never will, cry about it, repeat. I will never be loved even if I die with a husband and kids I will never be loved I will live a sad pointless life simply just a waste of space and air and peoples times and life’s. I will walk off that graduation stage not knowing what I want to do with my life, disappoint my family and friends probably because homeless crack that who just wished they kill them selfs in their teen years but they are just stuck on the sidewalk now forever. In all reality I will go to bed wake up tomorrow morning hang out with my friends all day then we all drink later tagt night and I drink until the pain is gone and no one will ever know I’m suffering. I love drinking it makes me feel good I wish I was always drinking it makes like feel timeless and easy liek that moment is never going to end. Hello to everyone and anyone who is reading this, I’m not okay and it’s Okay to not be okay just don’t be like me just talk to someone and I wish I can say that’s easy because if I was I wouldn’t be typing this right now, you will do something in your life and people love you and people need you. Love you all thank you for letting me tell you this I need to tell someone. I hope I don’t wake up… but I will and my endless cycle will continue to happen and I will always be okay in everyone’s eyes but that’s okay and it will be okay. I just hope this gets easier thank you for listening- Stranger