I grew up in a toxic family where my dad always got drunk, smoked but he stopped smoking and drinking when I was a teenager argued and fought with my mom

4 years

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I grew up in a toxic family where my dad always got drunk, smoked but he stopped smoking and drinking when I was a teenager argued and fought with my mom a lot which took a toil on me and my siblings, but mostly me I was openly suicidal tried a couple times when I was 7 till I was 13 but I was either too scared or too mad at the world to end my life without a fight, even though my parents always gave us what we wanted a perfect family would have been the best, I cried a lot as a kid when no one’s watching on the outside I have it all together a great life, rich, happy, tough and brave but I’m broken… I’ve been broken so bad that I barely feel pain from “anything” I don’t want to get attached to any guy because I’m scared, I open up rarely and I’m always there for people who have gone through things similar or worse than I have, but no one’s ever there for me it just breaks me more that people never notice that the help and care I give is what I really want, I can’t fall in love with someone because I don’t know what it is…I’ve never been loved to know what it is instead of understanding why I’m this way I’m judged and hated for being cruel,heartless,toxic, pushing people away, not caring how other people felt
I usually ignore and stay away from people when I’m facing troubles mentally or when I have other problems because that’s how it has always been just me and myself even when I tell people I’m not okay right now to talk to you and I tell them the reason why, they don’t help me or care about my own problems
Just nagging and being told I’m toxic again and soon I won’t have people around me because I push them away

So please tell me if it’s my fault that I try my best but I just always meet the wrong people

I’ve been through so much for a 19 year old and yes I can’t love but I try my very best
I easily leave any relationship I’m in because I’m scared or dissapointed that I really want to be happy but end up being the only one trying
I just want to get over my problem of having commitment issues
I can’t like/love someone for more than a month
I can’t give someone my all when I’m nothing but a broken piece

New Confession

My husband always watches p*** and said he fantasized about me being with a b******** man. On vacation in a bar , I noticed a muscular young black guy watching me. I’m 28, 120 lbs with perky breasts. I started thinking about the fantasy and was getting a bit aroused. My husband was really drunk and I knew he was ready to call it a night. I told the black guy our room number in the hotel, he said he was on the same floor. I asked him to meet me in the hallway. As soon as we entered the room my husband hit the bed, I knew he was out for the night. I removed my p****** and bra and put on a short skirt, I was really going to do this. He was waiting for me in front of his room and pulled me inside rather quickly. He wasted no time kissing me and pulling off his pants revealing his huge manhood. He layed me on the bed and forced his large p**** into my mouth. I was scared because this was happening too fast. He forced it down my throat and I began to gag. After a few minutes, he pulled up my dress around my stomach and saw my tight little p****. He spread my legs and forced his big d*** into my wet hole . It hurt ,but he buried it deep inside me. I begged him to stop but he kept thrusting me. Soon I started getting used to the size and it started feeling very good. I begged him to f*** me good as I grabbed his balls. He was making me c** so hard. He had his way with me for about an hour and I had never had that many orgasms. He finished in my mouth and I eagerly swallowed every drop. I went back to the room, barely able to walk. My husband was still passed out. I get so h**** now when he fantasizes about a black man using me. He has no idea

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