3 years
x
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I can’t escape that “big boy” trend on tiktok no matter how hard I try to tell the app that I don’t want to see it. I’m glad that other fat guys are loving it and feeling beautiful, handsome, s***, whatever, but I don’t. Every time I see it, especially when people are thirsting for guys that look at lot like me, I feel so icky and violated. I’ve always been the ugliest person in every room and I used to want so badly for people to talk about me like that. Now I can’t stand it. This flesh prison I’m trapped in isn’t something I’ll ever be proud of, it’s just where I’m stuck living. The idea of someone loving it or loving me because of it makes me want to claw everything away until I’m just a pile of bloody bones.

I can’t talk to anyone in real life about it because they’ll just look at me like I’m pathetic and do the “everyone is beautiful to someone” routine or they get annoyed at me for saying “bad” things about myself. My body can never be beautiful on my terms, so I don’t want it to be beautiful to anyone else. I want to be happily, or at least comfortably, ugly. But that isn’t working either. I feel so alone and everything hurts.

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