i cry so easily in front of others. its fucking awful. i feel like such a mess, and its probably because i am. i just cried in front of someone i barely

3 years

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i cry so easily in front of others. its f****** awful. i feel like such a mess, and its probably because i am. i just cried in front of someone i barely knew and i feel awful. i just want to be normal. i just want to have normal emotions. on the car ride home i was scratching myself so bad that i have marks on my arm now… just from being stressed out and embarrassed. i used to hurt myself in more extreme ways, and i could feel the urge to do it again. i didn’t do it tonight nor will i ever do that again because it is awful and makes me feel worse. but god, i need to get better coping skills. how am i supposed to live a normal life like this. why is it that when people are open and emotional i am understanding, but when i cry in front of others i hate myself so much afterwards? even in front of my friends and loved ones, i feel terrible for crying. i feel like an embarrassment. god, i am so much better at consoling others than being consoled. how the hell am i supposed to talk to this person again, after i burst down in tears the first time meeting her? in this moment, i want to die. but what i really want is to have a time machine and make sure i never cried in the first place. or cried earlier today so i didnt later. or got myself diagnosed with autism in high school so i didnt have to put up with all this b*******. i wish people cried in front of me more so i didnt have to feel so f****** awful. but until then, it will be ok. it has to be ok. even if this is a b******* mantra im making myself type because i feel awful, it will be ok.

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I’m a female, nineteen years old, nothing special about me tbh although I seem to be a lot interesting to guys twice my age. I’m not that attractive but I was almost raped by my cousin when I was eight. I’m an only child and that’s my misery, everyone thinks I’m spoiled while I’m broke. I was raised by my mother, being a burden and a debt to her but I was unaware that after I grow up, I’ll have to repay everything. My mother sold her body in order to earn money, about which I always knew because there were a lot of men and women who visited the house we lived in, I decided to stay silent about it and nobody knew where my father is, my mother said he’s a bad guy. I turned fifteen and my mother introduced me to a man in his thirties, who has a wife and a child already. I was against it, but she said that he won’t be having s*x with me, he’ll just touch and groom me until I get into adulthood but nightmare came soon. She fell into poverty and made me have s** with him, that night is hunting and painful, I can still feel the pain in my private part when I remember it, I bled a lot, my innocence was took away from me at sixteen. After that, my mother showed me to two more men, introduced me to them, made me sleep with them for money, saying that it’s all for my future. F*ck you mother.