My depression firstly began during 7th grade. I moved to my parent's birth country. I didn't know how to speak the national language, and was suffering

4 years

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My depression firstly began during 7th grade. I moved to my parent’s birth country. I didn’t know how to speak the national language, and was suffering from the fact I’m in a random country with a culture i do not know. Language barrier. Then began online class. I was in special class since I was a diligent student at the time. I didn’t have anyone to rely on, so i began coping with self-harm. I had childhood trauma along with it. I was then diagnosed in 8th grade. My grades were slipping. Pressure from parents. Self-harm was worse and I had suicidal thoughts. I would purposely put myself in risky and dangerous situations hoping that I would die. Well, not that it’s any different from the present. Grade 9. Transferred out of my special class since my grades were slipping and I couldn’t catch up. I moved to an expensive school. I didn’t realize that it was a h******* school. Tests everyday that are graded. Limited amount of time to answer an activity that would take a minimum of 2 hours. The school was insanely pressuring. Then, dropped out. I tried seeing a psychiatrist. Didn’t help. Anti-depressants were ineffective as well. 2nd psychiatrist. Instead of helping, made me feel like s***. She disregarded my feelings, and told me that what I was going through is a phase. Told me that i was just confused and didn’t understand myself. She made me feel horrible instead helping my overcome my depression. That leads to now. Childhood trauma + family issues + depression + an undiagnosed case of social anxiety. I’m scared of being alone. I’m afraid of going outside and being judged by people. I was afraid that someone would talk to me in the national language and I wouldn’t understand. Plus, a childhood memory of s***** harassment. Around the ages of 8-11 I lived in my birth country. Next to my neighbor’s house was a friend that i played with sometimes. We have a play house in the backyard. WE played there and she asked me if she could hump me. I said no, but she kept persuading me and making me pity her. Eventually it happened. Family issues. Parents arguing 24/7. Father projected his anger onto me and my brother. I grew up afraid. I became a people pleaser. I wanted male validation. I wanted to be enough. Now, I’m going back to my birth country. I never even planned my future since I assumed that i would kill myself eventually. So what do I do now? WHat do you do if you don’t have the guts to kill yourself, but don’t want to live in pain and suffering? Indulge myself in isolation. Ghost everyone around me. Well, that’s what I did.

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