i do have feelings, but they're all so numb and dull. and i've learned to be okay with that and see it as a part of me (which it is.) but i got a chance

4 years

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i do have feelings, but they’re all so numb and dull. and i’ve learned to be okay with that and see it as a part of me (which it is.) but i got a chance at true happiness, the ability to be happy each day without any reason, and it slipped away from me anyway. my boyfriend has slipped away from me. we’re long distance and we were so close to meeting, but it all crashed down. i knew it was too good to be true, but i don’t understand why anything good cannot be true for me. is it just coincidence? happenstance? i know these are useless thoughts to think and wouldn’t do nor mean anything, but it hurts and i feel like wallowing. it hurts that my boyfriend is so close to me and yet so far. he’s in my city but i can’t see him. but i could wait for him forever. i want to marry him. i love him. it feels like my love life has just ended with him, it’s just him. there’s nothing wrong, we could never disagree on anything, there’s nothing we’d argue about. we’ve been dating a while and we argued once. we see eye to eye on everything and we’re the type that can just sit in silence or not talk for a week and be fine. that’s what i need. i need him and i can’t even think of anything else to say anymore. i just want him here. i should stop wallowing though, it’s not as if he’s left me. he’s not dead. there’s something he can’t control getting in his way. why am i in grief mourning over someone who isn’t gone? he hasn’t left me and won’t leave me, and there’s no issue between us. we’re still in love. so my brain should just stfu and wait.

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I stay at granny’s country house in summer. I help in the garden and do chores. It’s hot and she lets me be naked in the house and yard. I crank it every night. Granny says it’s good for young boys to do.

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I’m a female, nineteen years old, nothing special about me tbh although I seem to be a lot interesting to guys twice my age. I’m not that attractive but I was almost raped by my cousin when I was eight. I’m an only child and that’s my misery, everyone thinks I’m spoiled while I’m broke. I was raised by my mother, being a burden and a debt to her but I was unaware that after I grow up, I’ll have to repay everything. My mother sold her body in order to earn money, about which I always knew because there were a lot of men and women who visited the house we lived in, I decided to stay silent about it and nobody knew where my father is, my mother said he’s a bad guy. I turned fifteen and my mother introduced me to a man in his thirties, who has a wife and a child already. I was against it, but she said that he won’t be having s*x with me, he’ll just touch and groom me until I get into adulthood but nightmare came soon. She fell into poverty and made me have s** with him, that night is hunting and painful, I can still feel the pain in my private part when I remember it, I bled a lot, my innocence was took away from me at sixteen. After that, my mother showed me to two more men, introduced me to them, made me sleep with them for money, saying that it’s all for my future. F*ck you mother.