I don’t wanna die. I just don’t want to exist anymore. I can’t see a reason to keep holding on. I feel so burnt out. Everything is just not worth it anymore. The fire I had in me to help people is gone.

I trust no one. I’m scared that if they see how broken I am inside, they’ll run away. If they see all the trauma and pain that they’ll run away like others before. That they’ll deem me just not worth the effort.

I don’t know how to talk to people and interact. Years of being cooped up in a house with just my family. Being punished for being out too long with friends. Having friends in some cases. And then being yelled at because I get nervous ordering for myself or interacting with strangers.

I want to feel love and be loved. But I have no idea what it feels like. I can’t feel anything anymore, but if I do, it’s only the extreme sadness that one calls depression.

I hate that I’ve been brainwashed so much by my family that I can’t even reach out. I get so nervous. I don’t want to feel like a burden. And when they ask me how I am? I lie. I can’t control it. I’ve been intrinsically programmed to lie and say I’m fine when I’m not. I hate that I can’t even scream anymore. It is impossible for me physically to scream. I just can’t. Crying is a challenge as well. I’ve barely even shed a tear even though I’m crying on the inside. Wailing, even.

Group Therapy gets me nowhere. The meds don’t work. Therapy helps, but with how busy my Therapist is at times I don’t see her as much as I used to.

I just don’t want to exist anymore.