my childhood best friend is dead. there are so many things running through my head. the times we spend all day in the pool at her apartment complex. the times she would hit me for saying no to her. the times we would build a blanket fort in the living room and have movie nights. the times she gave me the silent treatment because i didn’t do what she wanted. the times we spent hours practicing the choreography to single ladies by beyonce. the times she would force me to my knees and use my mouth. i don’t know what to feel. we haven’t talked since we were 12 but she never left my mind. i missed her but i was too scared to talk to her. we lived 15 minutes apart. we went to the same high school. i just couldn’t bring myself to reach out. she overdosed in a rehab center. leave it her to do something like that. i’ve been doing a lot of blow since it happened. i’m too busy running around working on projects to be sad about missing her. if i’m not sad i won’t cut myself again. if i’m not sad the suicidal thoughts will go away.