I’m 29, almost 30, and I finally admitted to myself last year that I’m transgender. Ever since puberty started twenty years ago I’ve felt wrong, depressed, and awful about myself. For the next twenty years of struggle, of substance abuse, suicide attempts, self harm, and absolute pain I finally realized and accepted that I’m the wrong gender and was born with the wrong body. So, I got on hormones after a lot of soul searching and it was the most amazing thing. I finally felt “correct” like my brain found the one thing that was missing at long last. Fast forward a year and it turns out that the hormones I’m taking are also slowly killing me because my body is sensitive to most of the types that I’ve tried, and now my doctor doesn’t want to prescribe me more.
I have a lot of my hormones left over, enough for quite a few months, and there are plenty of DIY methods, but the problem is that it might kill me. Thing is… I also don’t really care if it does, because for the first time in my life since I was a small child I can actually feel things again; I can feel joy, happiness, self love, and my world is so much brighter than it ever has been. If I can’t get more hormones or find alternatives that are safe for me then I fully intend to continue taking what I can until it kills me, because with the amount that I have I will expire before I run out. I would rather die happy then live longer with the misery I have already endured.
