• 2 years ago
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i fell in love with a boy on summer camp. it was one of the last days of camp that i wanted to confess, but i was scared. then a lot of things happened too fast and one of my friends told him that i wanted to talk to him to which he immediately replied “i don’t want to be in a relationship with anyone” (i wasn’t there when my friend came up to him, i ran away to my room). i knew that he didn’t want anyone, he stated that a few times that after camp it’d be hard to keep in touch with anyone and it’d just hurt to never again see each other, yet i still fell for him… i could get lost in his always tired, deep, greenish-blue eyes… and his cute face whenever he smiled. his fluffy hair and chaotic personality. i cried a lot on that day. i didn’t want to f*** up the connection we made as close friends and that’s why i was so devastated that it got out. fortunately, we got to talk a bit and he reassured me that i didn’t f*** up and everything is okay and that he knew i had a crush on him (someone told him at the very beginning, i’m pretty sure it was two of my gal friends). even though he said everything was okay, it still felt weird. the fact that every time i tried to get closer to him or do something together, he knew why… it was so embarrassing…

we kind of lost the connection for the last days of camp and i regret it.

i had my birthday recently as well and one whole room was filled with balloons. there were wishes or funny stuff written on them, all for me. but one of them was, and still is special. it has my crushes name on it. i wanted to take a few of the balloons home, but all of them deflated, except that one. it’s on my shelf right now. i promised myself that before all the air escapes, i’ll fall out of love. that i’ll forget him. i hope i’ll be able to do so.
my camp ended two days ago. i miss all the people from there. it felt like home and for the first time in my life i truly had fun with the people i loved. for the first time i was myself. i’ll miss them all. i’m really happy it all happened, even though it’ll never happen again.

my crush said that he wants to wait until he’s older to even start dating and wouldn’t want a long-distance relationship anyway. i told him that he’s important to me and that i at least wanted to keep in touch as friends for a little bit over text, but he said it doesn’t make sense for us to keep texting if we don’t meet each other irl. i said “have you never had online friends? we don’t need to meet up”. he left me on seen.

that was on the last full day of camp. the following morning i had to leave. the last thing i said to him was “you little fucker” and hugged him hard. after i pulled away he said “bye” and nothing more. i could only wave or i’d break down right then and there.. i walked out after that, with the balloon in my backpack. i cried a lot when i got home. i didn’t tell anyone about this.

if the universe makes you see this, M, you can look at it. i know you aren’t good at english. go ahead, read it. you wouldn’t understand anyway.

i still love you,
– k.

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