Yesterday I told you a story.

Today, for an unknown reason,
I’m struggling to make it through the day.

I’ve emptied my veins before,
In the ambulance they used a drill,
to drill a hole in my bone,
so they could put the blood or plasma,
directly in to my bone.

Today, as I said, I’m struggling.

I’ve asked the Goddess,
if she would please bring me home today,
I don’t care if it is a heart attack,
or if I die in my sleep.

As I’ve said before I have some very strong poison.

That takes several days of horrific sickness,
to reach the end.

I’m a coward,
I’ve been in a coma before,
the hallucinogenic nightmares are unbearable.

They say suicide is the easy way out,
Even the song from the TV show Mash,
Says, suicide is painless.

The death may be painless,
It may be the easy way out,
but standing on the edge of forever,
praying for the strength to take the leap,
Is a pain that is undescribable.

After the Marine Corps,
It took me 18 years
of standing on that metaphorical ledge,
to take that leap.

The attempt failed.

The hallucinations still haunt me,
but I no longer wonder what’s on the other side,
I’ve been there.

Today I’m struggling,
but I choose to stay here for my family.
I will not take my poison today,
but just knowing the poison is there,
Is comforting.

I’m making the choice to live today,
I choose this path for my family.

But Goddess,
If you’re listening,
please,
I want to come home,
as soon as my family can handle it.

Please help me make it through the day,
and the terrible isolation of the night.

My counselor was promoted,
She said she would still talk to me,
but her phone number is disconnected.

I don’t want another counselor.

I will face this struggle alone.

Goddess,
I’m so tired,
please bring me home.