I’m not good at expressing myself in words. So I go quiet and just let whatever people think of me. I can take it. I hear more negative stuff from myself often than others. Still, hearing it from others just makes it more real. I’m stuck. Stagnant. “Worse than death is stagnancy” I agree. I feel pathetic. Looking at positive posts as a pathetic effort of self-comfort or even a positive reassurance from others make me even more sick and sad and dark. No matter how much the distractions or laughter, when the night and silence comes and leaves me alone to my thoughts, my brain painfully reminds me of my mistakes. Over and over until my eyes become tired on their own, which usually is when I see streaks of sunlight through my window along with birds chirping. When sleep does finally come, I welcome and clung to it as long as I can because its the time when my head is silent until I abruptly wake up with chest pains like I’ve drank pure coffee, and comes back along immediately are the continuous thoughts of degrading and reminding of my failure as a person. How disappointing I am to myself the most.