i got over a very toxic guy that I’ve been obsessed with for years, he cheated on me countless times. i then found the guy that is the love of my life. (my first relationship after months of being mentally i’ll from my ex). i was happily dating this new guy for about 6 months. words cannot explain how much i loved him, neither could actions. he was sweet, he was funny, he was all i could ever ask for. all of a sudden towards the end of month 5 he barely talked to me and said he was “just busy” and i assumed nothing of it. i was talking to my new best friend at the time, and she was asking me how long we have been together; about 6 months. she told me how cute we were together and how it made her happy seeing us together. 1 day after that conversation she hooks up with him. the next day (before i knew what happened) i asked my boyfriend if he still wanted to be with me. because of him not texting me, i was overthinking about if he lost feelings, i was right. he broke up with me and was telling me about how he liked my best friend, then told me about what they did. my heart stopped, then proceeded to break. and there i was, in bed, blade in my hand, blood running all over my wrist. 1 cut, 2 cut, 3 cut, 4, cut, etc. just thinking about what i had lost. he was the one…the only one i’ve ever loved that much. more then my toxic ex before him, more than my family, more than anyone. and now he’s gone forever. when he left, it felt like any pain i’ve ever felt in my entire life, all combined together, and multiply it by 10. i couldn’t breathe. i never thought i would lose him, ever. he was my everything, he IS my everything. i have never felt that way about anyone before, and now the only person i ever felt like that towards is gone. its been a few months since the breakup. i got back with my first boyfriend, thinking i would lose feelings for my ex. i love my boyfriend a lot, but i think about my ex every second, i just cant stop. i know its very wrong, but i cant help it. im addicted. im still in love with him. i think about how he would smile and look into my eyes after i kissed him, his laugh, his smile, how he cuddled me, his hugs, his kisses, his beautiful blue eyes…the way his fluffy hair flops when he runs, just small details that make me cry every time i think about it. i even tear up when i hear his name. its so wrong, im so sick of myself for feeling this way towards him still. its not fair to my boyfriend. im disgusting for this. i think about what we could have been if this didn’t happen, if he didnt leave. i miss him so much.