Trigger warning for thoughts of suicide

I’ve made plans to kill myself, made a list of things I want to do before my life ends, and I’ve thought about how my death will make an impact. At this point, it’s been settled.

Life peaked for me a long time ago, and the things I care about are being taken away from me one by one. The longer I exist, the more I lose. I’d rather die with friends who care for me than live to see them realize who I truly am. The privilege of friendship, the lie many have fallen for, I do not deserve to possess such treasure. If the years went by for me, karma would give me what I deserve, an outcome I view to be more painful than death.

I just want to make people happy, but I feel like I’m closed in. I either die, giving despair to my family and those who cared for me. Or I live on, where I eventually give in to the urge to be myself, thereby doing unforgivable actions and saying unacceptable things. I wish it wasn’t this way, I wish death wasn’t more appealing to me than life. But it’s too late to go back.