Dear J,
This is my second day of writing this journal or sort of emotional vent out. Today I have seen your LinkedIn profile, that passport-size photo you post on all your FB, insta & other sites. You look cute in that pic actually, right now I am looking at that pic while writing this diary. I always used to like the curve that forms between your upper lip, cheeks & nose. I adore them & u will never know this but I used to kiss you whenever I noticed that curve. It was just so cute. I had just now finished talking to my mom & whenever I talk to her my suicidal thoughts blow away & I want to live, not just live a middle-class, ego-controlled robotic life but a life where I earn enough that I can spend on things that I love, where I can take leave & go on a trip & stop bothering about my credit card due or waiting for my next paycheck & for me to do that I should be rich & for that I need to start a successful company which is practically not possible because I am scared & I don’t have enough ideas. So for me cracking the RBI Grade B exam is the most practical solution, not SEBI not NABARD but RBI only. Because with the name RBI, I can find a beautiful, working girl. Live in Mumbai, travel to my hometown by flight & frequently visit goa via road trip.
Even then, I know for a fact that when I crack the job & start working in RBI, regardless my priorities will change. Nevertheless, the exam is hard to crack & needs months of preparation mainly for an amateur like me who has no commerce background also I feel this preparation will change my life, I can get out of this b******* (middle-class clerical bitchy job) & my emotional attachment to you. I promise that I will work hard not in a grudging way but in an emotionally healing way. I have alternate plans as well, that if I do not crack this exam & my life becomes more hell I am ready to kill myself.
This might shock you but it’s the truth, for the past year I have lost the meaning to live & I want to end this b*******, boring, saddening life. What I am more scared of is the afterlife that people talk about. When I die I want everything to leave behind me. I don’t want to remember anything, I just want to end all my thoughts about you, my family, friends, etc etc.
But even killing is a stupid thing. Those who can’t achieve anything & can’t control their lives only kill themselves. I strongly do not believe that God intervenes every time in our life. I believe he intervenes only in critical moments & so for the most part we have to take control of ourselves, If not then it is our negligence or impotency.
With this, I conclude my note & start preparing chapter two of ESI.
love u girl & miss u a lot. Thanks in advance because if I crack this job it’s since u left me.