I really want to hurt myself bad. I feel worthless because of the situation I'm in.I feel like if I mess one little thing up in my relationship I get

4 years

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I really want to hurt myself bad. I feel worthless because of the situation I’m in.I feel like if I mess one little thing up in my relationship I get treated poorly. for context me and my partner were engaging in b*** stuff, me being on the receiving end, and afterwards I just wanted some kind of affection. I tried to get a hug and was pushed away, yet I kept trying. I don’t know why I did that because I know my partner doesn’t like it. and then later on I said something that I know I shouldn’t have said. now my partner is pissed at me and every effort I’ve been giving to make things better has been dismissed. it’s all my fault and I know it is. I have even told my partner that. I’m just so stressed and don’t know what to do because I keep messing up so badly in this relationship but every time I suggest breaking up so that my partner can be happy my partner gets mad. I don’t want to break up but I feel like I’m such a bad partner and don’t deserve this relationship. I want to hurt myself but I know it will make my partner even more mad at me. I had to call the suicide hotline and was on the phone with them for a while the other day to stop myself from hurting myself. I hate myself so much and I feel like no matter what I do I f*** everything up. I’m sorry. it hurts so f****** much. I try so hard to make everyone happy but I f*** up all the f****** time.I just can’t take it anymore I want to end everything. I’m not going to off myself or hurt myself but I want to so badly.

New Confession

To be human is to continually change. Your desire to remain as you are is what ultimately limits you.

The Puppet Master

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My ex would s******* harrass me every day, if that is the word. Force me to show him my body, show him myself m***********, pleasure him since we were long-distance. Whenever I said no, it would be begging all night until I gave in. So I stopped saying no in fear of him leaving me, embarrassing me, sending the photos out. But now, a year after him, I still imagine what it would be like if we did have s**. I imagine it when I’m alone, about how he’d topple over me, guide me through it with a soft voice as he deflowered me. How his rough hands would grab me and pull me hair like how he would describe to me. How he said he wanted me to be choking to the point I nearly threw up. How he wanted his hand on my stomach as he plowed. I pray every day that I never see him again, but I pray that the sin of my desires is attained first.