I didn’t release how bad my PTSD was about my dad until tonight. He finally stobbed being emotional/physiological abusive after 18 years once I confronted him for like the 12th time. It was never to the point where CPS needed to be involved, but he was the main cause of my PTSD and BPD (in addition to me AND him almost dying and me getting SAed at school twice). My mom is taking my sister and a friend to a hotel overnight for her birthday. It’s me and him. Even though I’m 20 and he hasn’t done anything too bad in months I’m terrified. Before he got home I tested the locks to pick where to hide if needed. I’m scared because my mother isn’t here to protect me he’ll slip up. And I feel guilty. Even though this is his fault and not mine I feel guilty for not believing in him. But all I can imagine is me having to lock the door while he screams, his fists banging on the table, or him corning me while screaming in my face. Or god forbid a repeat of the time he implied if I killed myself, he would and it would be MY fault. I prepared for the idea of running into my car to hide like I had a few times before. Even if I’m safe now, and he never laid a hand on me and my sister or neglected us (the opposite, he spoils/spoiled us to compensate for the abuse), I still fear such intense fear. I don’t see a confident 20-year-old on their way to grad school, whose made progress in recovery and is surrounded by friends and in a great internship. I see that 17-year-old child begging for their father to calm down as he banged on the door and demanded she opened up, terrified he’ll actually hit them this time. I want my mom to come home and hold me. I wish my childhood dog was still here (rest in peace, 2003-2021). I wish I didn’t have work and could have stayed the night at a friend’s house. I wish I could just move on and forget.