So I find myself back here again. I thought I might after the past few days, and here I am. I think things are getting better, although maybe I’m just distracted by current events.

Thinking about you hurts, but in a different way than it used to. No longer do I feel such an intense grief and longing. It’s more of a distant but ever present emptiness, a sense of resignment to the truth. It’s been three weeks since you went offline, and in truth I know what each of those stories represented. You’ve moved on, you’re happy again. I don’t think I’m jealous, I’m just sad it’s over. The more I look to move on the more I think you were perfect. Handsome, mature, hard working, needy – but in moderation, and above all, by my side. I miss you. I miss the times we had together. I miss that I can’t share my life with you any more. There may be more fish in the sea, but I miss “my” fish. I hope your new person makes you feel alive again. It does kinda s*** to know I wasn’t good enough. I love you.

And now I find myself trying so hard to move on, but it’s not working how I planned. I don’t know what’s happening, but things are not as easy as before. I know my type now. Although I wonder how much of my type is just you. Noone like you seems to show any interest and I think I need to take a hiatus for a bit to reset. All I want is a tall guy, with a nice build, short curls and a nice face to come over and cuddle. One I can fall in love with. One that I count down the days to seeing.

When I was younger, I thought all I wanted was someone who loved me and wanted to be with me all the time. Now look where we are. Longing for a boy who’s falling in love again, being chased by another who’s falling for me. I feel so guilty and so torn. On paper it’s perfect – interested, attentive, devoted. But I just can’t shake the fact I don’t want him to be close to me. Sometimes I don’t even want to look at him, but maybe that’s because I know what he will try. My love language may be touch, but he takes it too far. Plus the childishness and the attention – he’s not the one. Am I throwing away a boy who would love me? Probably. However, I’m not sure the spark is there, and experience says I would probably dump him later. I think I’ve made a decision, even if it will be hard.

That just leaves popup. The last few months gave me the room and safety to explore, and I’m forever grateful – but I still have anxieties. The pain, the specifics. I don’t know what it would be like with others and I don’t want to embarrass myself. I think popup could be an option, and maybe on Friday night. But I am scared. I need to address this, and maybe hitting this head on is the way to go.

All in all, I suppose I am getting better. I still miss him. Part of me probably always will, but I’m not so emotionally devoted. I think I know what I need to do in the next few days, and I know my standards going forward. Here’s to July x