I want to believe life is worth living. I really do. but so much s*** has happened and looking back I realize I have been suicidal since i was 4 years old. another 14 years have passed and i can’t help but feel that the best times in my life are over a decade behind me now. I have no hope for the future and dont see myself doing or amounting to anything. happiness is so fleeting. suffering is forever. i wish i could just die now but i cant bring myself to do that. My parents marriage wouldnt survive and my little brother and sister’s future would be down the drain as a result. just because i dont care about myself doesnt mean i dont care about others. i still do. i just want an accidental death. no one’s fault. no one to blame so that everyone could move on easily. but thats not gonna happen. i guess i should take on this burden myself instead of pushing it onto everyone else in my life. its better for me to go through this alone than bother everyone else. i feel like i deserve it anyway. i cant remember hardly anything good ive ever done, just all the bad. I did keep a friend from killing himself in the 5th grade though, if he went through with it then i would have too, knowing i could have stopped it. I almost wish it turned out like that