40 minutes before I had to teach a class of 8 adults, I was listening to a comedy podcast and one of the presenters made a joke about creepy parents watching their children sleep. My dad used to watch me sleep. I almost had a panic attack thinking ‘was I abused?’ ‘was that sexual?’ I went into a shop and bought a bottle of rum and I taught the class drunk because booze stops me from overthinking and spiraling into a panic attack. I was so scared of breaking down in front of my students.
I have come to the conclusion that I was not abused, all my dad did was watch when he thought I was asleep. It was very hard for him to say ‘I love you’ to anyone and this was (he died 12 years ago) his way of being honest with his emotions for me without feeling embarrassed.
I feel like it’s important for context to add that I’m a man. I need a therapist, I used alochol to calm my anxiety a lot. I could lose everything – my life, no to mention destroy my mum and my wife.