But the truth is that all the abuse and loss and grief accumulated and led to thought patterns in my brain. And those thought patterns that accumulated over all those years telling me my feelings were wrong is what makes me like this, so uncomfortable in my own skin such that I act the way I do. I need to stop blaming myself. It’s like people who grow up conditioned to believe certain things from a church for their entire life. You logically know it isn’t true but it’s hard to escape from those thought patterns once they are so deeply ingrained. Those thought patterns take time to change. Getting mad at myself is like a kid who’s abusive parent broke his arm getting mad at himself for not being able to throw a ball that well even though it’s because his arm was repeatedly broken. Things take time to fix and i’ve got to put the work in if I want to be able to throw, even though it’s not my fault and not my choice I got this way. I don’t need to be afraid of my own emotions and endlessly doubt myself and question that they are wrong all the time.