I am someone who’s extremely self-conscious and insecure of themselves, having a pretty low self-esteem and being just an overall neurotic person, in general…

4 years ago, my college life came to an end, the batchmates were hosting a farewell party in a restaurant. I felt guilty, extremely vary and shy to attend it, for some reasons.

I reached out to a good friend of mine in private chat, in the hopes that I might receive comfort and support, which in turn, might had calmed me down. But no, that interaction did the exact opposite.

Was freaking out in trying to figure out what to wear, I perhaps, just came across as overly vain and whiny and that annoyed them probably. Told me to, “come n*** for all they cared”.

Was extremely offended hearing that. Replied to them that it came across as pretty harsh of a response. But, they never apologized or even had anything to say, in turn. As they kept cracking jokes and sending messages on the class group.

I did not attend that event (though, not necessarily for that reason alone, solely; also due to the aforementioned, inexplicable guilt and an overall feeling of melancholy).

Till date, I have a hard time moving on from this, I suppose it was unresolved resentment that they might have had towards me. Or maybe, I came across as fake and artificial, “a phony” when it came to being friendly and nice with others and so, that’s why they replied to me that way.

I honestly feel like excess fat, an unnecessary load to be shouldered. For, I feel that my existence (or lack thereof) doesn’t affect anyone in any way. Don’t think I’ll be sorely missed by people, in other words.