I am so done with everything. Knowing K will always think I am the problem. Knowing that P will continue to share everything about me. Life is such an endless loop of nothingness that it gets me wondering if its worth sticking through with it. I don’t want to die in a horrible gruesome way but I would gladly do so if it meant itll hurt the people who hurt me. Theres only one word that keeps repeating while i write this. Life. I just want to stop going back to the people who have hurt me most and start to love anew. I can barely even tell anyone else about this because they’ll say I’m a s*** or a w****. I didn’t do anything with them they just asked for pictures and I didn’t know what to do so i complied. I complied and I shook it off and I enjoyed it. I f****** enjoyed it. It’s such a horrible cycle of vanity and surface-level lust. I cannot live with this dread; this regret. Every waking moment is spent thinking about them. If we were still together; would I have been happy? If they were the ones to break up with me; would I have been more content? What do they think about me? Should I talk to them again? If I was a girl again he’d love me. He’d love me… If I had bigger b**** or a slimmer waist or if I never stood up for who I am, he would’ve been mine and I would’ve been his. Was this all my fault? Why do I want them back when theyre so bad for me? They said it’ll all get better but nothing has gotten better. It’s all gotten worse. I can’t seem to get up from my bed, all I do is play games with my friends and sleep. I don’t do my work, I’ve taken up less shifts and I’m practically a walking corpse. I am filled with remorse, guilt and shame. I grieve over the woman I once was and the man I have become. I wish I was a woman I wish I was a woman I wish I was a woman I wish I was a f****** woman. I don’t care how sad it’ll get me I will force the label of she/her onto me even if it kills me. I will swallow the pain of my own self imagery if it means men will love me again. Please, love me. Love me, think about me, give me attention please. Please someone don’t throw me away yet, you can when you get bored but please. I need you. I need you so badly. You would love me better if I was skinnier, cuter, straighter teeth, smaller. Love me, P. I need you to love me. You are all I f****** have right now. Im nothing without you. Use me for s**, use me for attention, use me for anything just please use me. I don’t care what anyone says I will stop anything and do anything to be with you. No no no no no no sorry no. I don’t mean that. F*** I JUST NEED YOUR TOUCH RIGHT NOW. F*** DUDE. I just – I need something to make me feel again because right now I feel… nothing.
