Dear Bubble, because if you see this, you deserve to know, but I’m too terrified to say it to you.

I’m scared.
I’m scared that my heart has been sealed for so long that I’ll fall out of love as quickly as I fell in out of habit.

I dont want to leave you alone. Ever. But you deserve space and I know that.

I’m terrified that I’m wrong again, that it’s not love again and its just a hyperfixation or an infatuation.

All I can ever think of lately are things wrong in the relationship. I dont want to but I’m so scared that it will all be the same again, terrified you’ll be like him, or worse, I will.

I’m so unbelievably happy for you that you have lots of friends, but knowing that some are exes and that you still have feelings for one of them… knowing she’s 5000 miles closer to you than I am.. I trust you completely but no matter how much I trust you, that fear doesnt seem to go away.

You don’t deserve me. I’m not as healthy as I try or pretend to be.

I’m so scared that the days we arent talking, you’re thinking of her.

I’m so scared that you’ll lose interest.

And I’m worried I’ll never be able to talk to you, because as much as I want to, I cant stand to see you hurting because of my past.
I know you dont mean to shut me down when I talk about stuff, but you do, and it hurts.

I get it, and I know it’s also to protect me, but i just wish i didnt have to turn to a f****** confession site to be able to talk about my fucked up exes and my fucked up trauma or my fucked up brain.

Deep down, I’m terrified of our future.
I know you would never hit me, but part of me wishes you would because I feel like I deserve it.

I’m not the sweet person you think I am.
I wish I was.
But I’m not.
Everything, every action I perform is an act (minus the orgasms and the simping, I cant control those)

But F***. I dont even know who I am anymore.
I dont know my own gender, s********, personality traits, I mean, my favourite colour was purple for 5 years until I got raped in a purple room by a purple haired f****** limp d***, good for nothing emo p************.
I’m the reason hes f****** alive and kicking and sometimes I wish he’d f****** done it.

I let him control me for so f****** long because I finally felt like I had a uses or a purpose in life.
I have no talents other than knowing how to fake a f****** o*****, during a session I didnt even wanna have in the first place