i pretend i don’t care because i don’t want to seem weak or sensitive which leads to people believing it. i leave first because i’d rather hurt than be

5 years

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i pretend i don’t care because i don’t want to seem weak or sensitive which leads to people believing it. i leave first because i’d rather hurt than be hurt. some continue trying but eventually they give up because they can’t wait for me forever. i keep my feelings all inside me. people think i like being alone, they think i’m a b****. i’m not. i push people away but why? my pride? ego? how could i possibly complain when i’m too embarrassed to show i care. how can i complain when i fear commitment and affection? how can i complain when i’m the problem?

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The human body is a machine which winds its own springs. It is the living image of perpetual motion.

The puppet master

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even when there’s so many people around me i feel so lonely. i feel like ive always been there for the little things in everyone elses’ life that i forget to be there for myself. ever since my first breakup 3 years ago i’ve always felt like there was an empty void to feel. not the kind of empty void that another person fills but the kind where im ok with my own presence. all my talking stages feel like i’m chasing someone just to make them love me. everyone says im pretty, kind, and caring but i don’t know what im missing that someone else has. maybe its the way i give talking stages my all and the way i show up even when they hurt me hoping that they’ll change. i want a love thats genuine and gentle with my broken heart. not because im desperate but because i want to feel loved the way i love others. im blessed to have a soft heart again and again even when it feels like it should be hard as stone.