Dear Mom,
Here’s the thing. I could have been very depressed. Due to the neglect inflicted on me when I was young, I was depressed at a very young age. But that was swept under the rug. When my dad died, I asked for help—swept under the rug. Sought help without your permission at my school—punished and eventually swept under the rug. You send me videos about recovering from depression, but you still think I’m above seeking help with my mental health. Even Dr. Michael Yapko in this video says that turning down an opportunity to go to therapy is a stupid decision, in case you selectively misheard that part. Studies done by Harvard child development psychiatrists prove that there is a strong correlation between childhood neglect and adolescent depression. Yes, I believe my history of abuse and neglect as well as my emotional support parent’s death could have given me serious depression. However, it didn’t. It didn’t because I taught myself the skill of making real friends.
Tying back to the Harvard study, neglected children, who’s peers stepped in as emotional support buffers, suffered significantly less depression or in the best case scenario none at all. This is what happened to me. The friends I met at school helped me become who I am and supported me to make good decisions for myself and listened when I needed them to. While they may not have put a roof over my head or fed me once in a while, they were still there for me in ways that you were not. Perhaps the most important ways. And that’s why my depression, as my doctor informally diagnosed, is mild.
If you are asking me to let my past go—easier said than done. Don’t you think I’ve been trying? Not even you know what it is like to lose your parent. And you will never know what it is like for me, since you are not my age, dealing with this level of grief. It has taken me years to accept that my dad is not coming back. Ever.
If you think I have the ability to cut down my screen time? Think again. I use screens for school and you use screens to relax at night. It is our world and there is no escape. It’s not like I can go see my friends whenever I would like to because you make that really hard for me. One of the times I make genuine in person connection is at work, which you would rather I quit, even though I tell you repeatedly that I am holding this job for my future. My future, as Dr. Yapko says, is more important than anything, and I need to be aware of it if you ever want me to suddenly become cured of depression.
If you think I believe my worth depends on my looks or my likes then you don’t know me. I have learned a seriously incredible amount of life skills without an ounce of your help. I manage my own mental health because you won’t let me go to talk therapy. I made real friends by use of my own skills. Emphasis on “my own skills” because your only friend happens to be a pretty bad one. I learned how to be a leader by joining clubs and seeking out opportunities to be a leader even when I was quarantined. All things you are barely aware that I do. You don’t know anything about me because I don’t feel comfortable telling you about myself. I never have.
In conclusion, please stop sending me videos about recovering from depression or self improvement in general. I don’t need your subliminal messages. Sure, it’s refreshing to see a doctor advocating for personal growth as the main part of recovering from a mental disorder, but anyone who’s been struggling with their mental health for as long as I have already knows that. And I already work on myself every day. You just don’t see it because I have been conditioned to do everything on my own. I work hard at everything that matters to me. Maybe think about that.