everything I’ve ever done in my life is supposed to lead to this moment. and i’m slacking. well, not slacking, but just wanting to end my life. right when it’s supposed to start. i’m a coward. a p****. but i try, i really do. i wish there was more time in the day to get things done. more time for myself. every one tells me i’m so young, that i’ve so much left to live for. i don’t think i’ll make it long enough for them to tell me i’ve gotten old, though. these don’t feel like my golden years. i feel like i’ve already lived them.

i want to die so bad. i can’t do this. i’m so tired. i can’t fight for my life every day, i don’t know how much more of this i can take. i want to sleep and never wake up. i want someone to solve my problems for me. i want to quit my job. i want to go into hiding. i wish i never existed. surviving in itself is hard enough. existing with meaning feels impossible now. why do i insist on continuing to push? there’s no drive left in me.

i wish i didn’t have to feel anything. i could get things done so much easier that way.

i’m so tired.