there really are some b**** b****** men who should die and they just spread mental illness and disorder and cruel young peoples lives. so you are crippled with shame and set up to be criminalised to keep the joker in a job and justify their weak so called theories and all its doing is destroying my physical health, no jobs and no husband , no friends no education. never been able to graduate from a thing. no house or car and poor living conditions most of my life. john braithwacks ‘reintegrated shaming’ made too much of a hard isolated hurt old man out of me and i am a woman. constant bullying and abuse. no love no understanding or compassion and no hugs or s**. no romance like a hallmark movie christmas  with my very own prince charming story that every girl longs for. no graduations, no birthday parties, no honeymoons and no weddings, no dates. no sweet 16 kisses and dances. nothing but r**** by dirty old drunk violent men or ignored and verbally labelled ugly and dirty. mocked and belittled. it was more like that twins of evil movie , one sister is a b**** and the other one is shy and no one gave me any attention or love. no one told me i was not a bad person suffering out that abuse alone believing i was to blame for it all from 1977 and then i found out i wasn’t and I still don’t know who did this to me and I want and need to know to put closure to it all.

i felt irrelevent. I once again faded into non – existence between 2003-2010, got fat and people hated on me.

when 3 friends died and neighbours died and the depression hit me badly. everyone was getting sick. I was non-existent before that all through the 1990s and 1980s without love for so long. Lack of love does mess up your health. Lack of work, and friends and things to be proud of like achievements. I didn’t know how to ask for help and how to reach out most of my youth being shut down from the age of around 3 and small dozes of attention fickled with deep hate for the love sender. He made me hate myself and he was never sweet or kind to me, he made me feel so dirty and he was playing games on me. Hope you enjoyed your pop star life cuz its more then the no love, cameo jobs and cameo money on welfare disability like mine. My childhood was not unlike that video of T*********** by Soft Cell, I just wasn’t as vein as that child. I was abused by much older men in their 70s who drank heavy and burnt me with cigarettes and hit me and molested me and shoving objects in to spaces we won’t talk about on here. All I remember in my childhood was giving over all my life , my dreams etc to others and my life is not for rent forever, thank you very much. Learnt trained dog responses to fade into nothing against so much suffering.. ALL the death and pain makes my dreams and wants of wanting a wedding, a husband and a baby and house and career and travel seem irrelevant over and over. I don’t think its right though to feel this non- human. All she talked about for months was the dress she bought for her coffin. And I was sick and no one cared at all. And she had a young husband closer to my age and owned a florist shop and new film stars. wow. but I cried when she died. I felt useless to her however. Some one let me back my life for the better please.